THE LABOR MESSIAH (Spectator Easter leader)

The search for a messiah to lead them out of the wilderness will certainly intensify within Labor ranks if not before the next election then certainly the day afterwards.

Call it the curse of Gough, but Labor, more so than any other political party, constantly seeks a mystical leader capable of inspiring the masses. Whether it be the “light on the hill” or the Tree of Knowledge, the “greatest moral challenge” or “true believers,” Labor mythology likes to imbue events and personalities with qualities above and beyond those of mere mortals.

However great the left’s heroes may or may not have been, what the last two decades has shown is that the Labor Party struggles to draw a distinction between the statesman, the showman, and the shaman.

Bob Carr was arguably a great media performer in his heyday, but the way he is being wheeled out now on every occasion and on any subject is increasingly embarrassing to watch – akin to a ham actor struggling to pull off his old stage tricks.

Bill Shorten’s frequent media appearances also have an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu about them, as he attempts to channel Bob Hawke – the pragmatic reconciler of the great divisions between the working and managerial classes. What such an act forgets is that the unions, although desperately important to the Labor Party, bear very little relevance to working Australians, other than as the butt of gags about credit cards and prostitutes.

Displaying all the warmth and empathy of Nosferatu in Clark Kent glasses, fellow ex-union boss Greg Combet also falls well short of delivering on messianic appeal. Stephen Smith is, well, Stephen Smith. Crean comes across like a contender for the next series of Grumpy Old Men.

Wayne Swan, who played Judas to Rudd’s futile attempt at messianic resurrection, clearly sees himself as a potential savior. His recent Sermon in the Monthly and attacks in the temple of public opinion on the money lenders and mining magnates were blatant pitches to the unions to support him. What he fails to understand is that the voters – particularly in the crucial Queensland seats –will never forgive his betrayal of one of their own.

Forget the blokes. Penny Wong and Nicola Roxon will be the ones to watch post-Julia.

To the spin merchants of Sussex Street, it is the spokesperson who is more important than the product they are trying to sell. The faceless men and women (surely in a progressive party such as the ALP there can be faceless women, too?) still seem incapable of understanding that it is the policies, not the politician, that ultimately triumphs.

Labor still hopes that the carbon tax – an anomalous economic “reform” born of a blatant lie and a cynical backroom deal – will be their road to salvation, as money flows into the economy by way of “compensation.” Thirty pieces of silver for each and every working family.

In all likelihood, the voters will take the money but wash their hands of the mob that gave it to them. Labor, slowly but surely, will be crucified on a cross of its own making.

AWAKENING COSTELLO

Having launched his unprovoked attack on Pearl Harbor, Naval Marshal General Isoroku Yamamoto uttered the fateful lines: "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."

Watching former Treasurer Peter Costello’s equally resolved response to the “shemozzle” over the Future Fund chairmanship appointment, it is clear that Wayne Swan, Penny Wong, Stephen Conroy and the other economic pygmies of the Labor Party are similarly prodding the slumbering beast, daring him to wake up.

Aroused from his post-2007 kip, Peter Costello would be Labor’s worst nightmare. Compared to the amateur featherweights who now control the nation’s finances, Costello is a heavyweight prize-fighter, with the track record, the political nous, and the parliamentary skills to wipe the floor with what is one of the least competent collection of economic managers in our nation’s history.

From Senator Stephen Conroy, whose legacy will be the laughable “set-top boxes” scheme and an unnecessary network that the private sector would have built anyway (saving the taxpayer over $50 billion), came this extraordinary and illogical comment: “I'd rather put my money under the control of David Gonski any day of the week.” Er, Stephen, have you forgotten that your government’s sole economic boast – bringing us through the GFC unscathed – is entirely due to the fact that yours, my, and the entire nation’s finances were under Peter Costello’s control for over a decade? Personally, that’ll do for me when it comes to a reference for taking care of our sovereign wealth, unless of course you regard flogging sugar-water to overweight, attention-deprived kiddies as of higher merit.

From Wayne Swan, who at the slightest hint of criticism is quick to boast of being “endorsed by the IMF, the OECD, the World Bank, and Euromoney magazine” came the bizarre comment that Peter Costello "always had tickets on himself." Er, Wayne, what tickets would they be? That he actually knew how to deliver a surplus, year in, year out? That he (not you) took our economy to the point where it became the envy of the world? That the nation’s employment prospects grew under his stewardship, as opposed to shrinking under yours?

From Penny Wong, who is shaping up to be the Prime Minister’s equal when it comes to hair-splitting technicalities and obfuscating semantics, came this gem (regarding Gonski being both “confidante” of the guardians as well as the successful candidate): “He informed the Government of the views of the board. That is not the same thing as making a recommendation.” But, er, Penny, the view of the board was that they recommended Costello. Besides, ever heard of “conflict of interest”?

From Anthony Albanese we learn that Peter Costello “has never been offered a corporate position.” Good point Albo, and well done for reminding us that Peter’s formidable skills are better suited to a political career rather than a corporate one. Hopefully he will now heed your advice.

It’s time for Costello to return to the fray. Neither political party contains an economic manager of his proven skills. Wayne Swan’s belittling of our entrepreneurs and our banks, and his inability to see beyond the old-fashioned ideology of Labor’s class war are costing every Australian dearly. Particularly those trying to make a quid. We may have dodged a bullet during the first GFC, but we are utterly unprepared for any future shocks to our financial system.

The carbon tax, the mining tax, Fair Work Australia and increased union and Greens power don’t come without a hefty price-tag. The economic debate has gone tragically adrift. In Labor’s “looking glass” world, what are touted as “reforms” are nothing of the sort; merely anchors dragging behind the vessels of growth that keep the nation buoyant.

Labor and Swan are deforming, rather than reforming, our economy. An agenda that sees entrepreneurs as a threat, taxes as the panacea for everything, and chooses to put a moral label on the size of your business (small business is “good”, big business is “bad” – huh?) has been tried and found wanting in Europe and will almost certainly end in tears here. As Warren McKibbin warns, Euro-socialism is where Labor are taking us.

Costello belongs in Canberra. He may not miss it, but it misses him. Once, his self-appointed retirement would have been deemed an end to his political career, but the electorate has now been conditioned by Labor to expect the unexpected, with politics as flexible and as changeable as the most dog-eared, red-inked script of the silliest soap opera. In this day and age of celebrity fallibility and the confessional studio couch, Peter would be an instant hit with an “I made a terrible mistake – I never thought Labor could stuff it all up so badly” approach.

More importantly, Abbott needs Costello. Despite the Opposition’s consistent approval as economic managers in the opinion polls, it is clear that they are making heavy weather of their current predicament, having been successfully wedged by Labor on corporate tax cuts. The carbon tax wedge will be even worse, with Labor going all out to portray Abbott as the rich man’s buddy reaching into the working class pocket and stealing their “hard-earned” compensation packages.

The fact that Labor have so brazenly, yet successfully, spun the idea of a Liberal “$70 billion black hole” makes it all the more obvious why Costello must return. Costello found a genuine $96 billion hole left by Keating’s Labor government. Real money that had vanished into thin air. The similar-sounding ‘$70 billion black hole’ loudly proclaimed by the Labor front bench is smoke and mirrors. It is purely hypothetical. For Robb and Hockey to have fluffed this, and allowed the spin to remain, is unforgiveable. They are not up to the task.

Abbott as leader with Costello as shadow Treasurer would be a truly formidable combination.

Each ideologically-driven utterance that Labor makes on the economy is not only an affront to Costello, it’s an insult to every hard-working, productive Australian. It’s time we all woke up.

WORLD’S GREATEST TREASURER (contd) (Spectator leader March 10)

Our economy is lurching to the left, like a drunk staggering down the sidewalk, keys in hand, looking out for the cops..

Demonizing sections of the mining community as “poisonous” one minute yet calling the Greens “irresponsible” the next, fanning the flames of class envy whilst pretending to support democracy, pandering to conspiracy theories and promoting a massive redistribution of wealth through a dishonest tax, the Treasurer is tipping a toxic brew down the electorate’s throat.

In 2010, Swan and Gillard bought Bob Brown’s potent Tasmanian moonshine – the carbon tax –and downed it in one, untroubled by the fact that at $23 a tonne the tax contains a shot of pure hardcore leftism that will leave the economy reeling. Even Brown now admits the tax cannot achieve its stated aim, letting slip on the 7.30 report that “when… coal is burnt overseas, (it) puts greenhouse gases into the atmosphere which will completely cancel the carbon package we've just seen go through the Parliament.” Swan, of course, is canny enough to realize that the tax, whilst doing nothing to solve climate change, will bribe “working families” with frothy pints of “compensation” whilst their jobs disappear one by one, decimated by higher energy prices.

To ensure the success of this project, the “world’s greatest treasurer” (who says the Europeans don’t have a sense of humour?) decided to embark on the lowest political strategy of them all – to demonize the rich. How fortunate for Mr Swan that at least two of his greedy “vested interests”, Gina Rinehart and Clive Palmer, look like cartoon tycoons; all the easier to sneer at. Swan’s jittery, hyperventilating attack on mining magnates included such deceptive and provocative statements as “I can tell you there's a lot of unease in the Australian community about the activities of some of these people.” Really? Where? Or is it simply that the Labor Party can’t bear any form of criticism from those who have the funds to broadcast them?

Sweating over “the ranting of shock jocks,” Swan labels “insidious” those who “use enormous amounts of wealth to distort a public purpose openly and in full confrontation with government.”

Clearly confused about the purpose of a democracy – perhaps he should have attended one of Mark Steyn’s lectures (see page viii) – the Treasurer’s desire to silence those who disagree with him is the strongest warning yet about the dangers of Ray Finkelstein’s call for a government-appointed press regulator.  

When challenged on Lateline by feisty Emma Alberici that his mining tax is “a watered-down version of (Rudd’s) original,” Swan’s thin-skinned and evasive answer belled the cat. “(That’s) yet another example of… that stuff that gets into the media and is exaggerated and (our italics) isn't subject to the serious scrutiny it ought to be.”

When the Treasurer sees personal vilification of wealth-creators as an acceptable strategy, combined with a desire to control adverse commentary, the guardians of our liberties are indeed on a bender, with a pounding economic headache awaiting us in the morning.

INSIDE THE ABATTOIR (Fin Review March 2)

Shocking images smuggled out of Australia of sadistic, cruel and inhumane practices have yet again sparked a furore in neighbouring Indonesia. Filmed in secret by undercover journalists from the Empat Pojok current affairs program, the grainy footage re-affirms that in Australia human beings are being humiliated, tortured and verbally abused before being savagely put down.

“We’d heard rumours of such barbarity, but we couldn’t believe that this is how they treat their politicians in Australia,” said the program’s producer.

Airing tonight, the documentary features never-before seen images taken on a mobile phone smuggled out of the notorious Labor Party boardroom known as “the Slaughterhouse.”

“It was sickening,” said the reporter, wiping away tears. “They dragged the poor beast in – I think his name was Kevin but I couldn’t be sure, there was so much squealing and yelling going on.”

Visibly shaken by her ordeal, the reporter looks horrified recalling the grisly scenes. “The creature was clearly on his last legs – limping, and bleeding, with big dark rings under his eyes. He looked like he’d just got off the red eye from Washington. Apparently he’d been on his feet for hours, even days, staggering aimlessly through shopping malls and TV studios pathetically looking for some kind of support. It was heart-breaking.”

Struggling to maintain her composure, the reporter goes on to describe the final, brutal moments before the kill. “He got up to make a speech, pleading for mercy, and reminding the baying mob – there were about a hundred of them - that he was the only one who could beat Abbott. But they were in a frenzy. One woman was screeching “let’s move forward,” and then out came the knives and they all just started attacking him with these dreadful barbed comments.”

Clips from the documentary leaked onto youtube clearly show the Australian Treasurer, Wayne Swan, engaged in a vicious assault on his former school chum, in scenes of gratuitous violence that have horrified the Indonesian public. “To put the boot in like that, over and over again; in most civilized countries they use a policy issue to humanely bring down a leader, but these savages go straight for the jugular.”

“It was medieval,” said another viewer, dry retching in disgust. “The whole gang laid into him. Not content with merely wounding him, they broke his spirit, too, calling him all sorts of degrading names like ‘psychopath’ and ‘prima donna’.”

“What distressed me the most was seeing that sweet, innocent Kate Ellis suddenly turn nasty, even after it was all over. She just got stuck right into his warm corpse on the 7.30 report. So what if Kevin went to some pub and called Gillard an atheist, childless, ex-Marxist? It’s not as if Australians live in some whacky, sharia-obsessed theocracy,” said Indonesian animal-activist (and animal) Abu Bakar Bashir as he was whisked back to prison.

The video claims such practices are common throughout the Canberra Meat Belt. “First they stunned him back in 2010, without any warning. Then they just left him battered and bruised. The mistake was that nobody bothered to check whether he was really dead. I should have just slit his throat on the spot,“ says one of the faceless butchers, known only as “Bill.”

With tears streaming down his cheeks, another participant in the savagery attempts to justify his actions. “I just want to kill Tories,” said Albo Al-Banese. “But they keep saying “No”, so I have to slaughter my own people instead.”

Shortly after the killing, one of the perpetrators , Ar-Bh'ib, can be seen being persuaded to fall on his own machete. Visiting the abattoir yesterday, journalists were sickened to see the practices continuing unabated. “There was a fresh Bob Carcass lying on the Senate floor, groaning and thoroughly humiliated. He never stood a chance.”

Cancelling his recently purchased ten thousand dollar boat ride from Indonesia (cabin, life jacket, food, water and document shredder included) Iraqi professional refugee Mustafa iPod was quick to express his disgust. “I thought I was going to a civilised country that respects your basic human rights and offers you liberty, dignity and a free Bravia. But the way they destroy these poor creatures sickens me. At least in Abu Graib they just treat you like a dog, they don’t put you down like one.”

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, an asylum seeker who arrived on Christmas Island by private jet has lashed out at Australian border police. “I am fleeing persecution in my own country – if I go back they will almost certainly string me up from the nearest lamppost simply because I went and butchered half my population,” said Mr. Al Assad, speaking on condition of anonymity.

GINA

 http://www.afr.com/p/opinion/never_mind_the_greens_here_gina_a6hzwAxmosqMje9oAT6EpO

News that Australia's richest woman, mining magnate Gina Rinehart, has moved to gain a majority share in Fairfax has sent shockwaves of anger and suspicion throughout the commentariat.

Acting Green’s Leader Christine Milne was quick to express her dismay. “This is a national scandal. If you have a couple of people using newspapers as a mouthpiece, that is a real problem. For years, we in the Greens have had a total monopoly on all discussion about climate change and the long-overdue, successful and hugely popular implementation of the much-loved carbon tax, which is going to solve the global problem of an overheating planet that we daily see all around us destroying the lives of millions of people and obliterating entire species as massively populated islands disappear beneath the waves before our very eyes. The last thing a democratic, vibrant and free press needs is someone who disagrees with us."

Recently returned from her “Rehabilitation and Re-programming Retreat” on the shores of the Volga, fellow Greens senator Lee Rhiannonovski went even further. “For years, we have had a direct conduit to the oppressed, latte sipping masses of the inner cities thanks to our close ties with certain sections of the Fairfax media,” she said. “The idea that this should be put in jeopardy by someone who represents hard-working, successful Australian entrepreneurs and members of the capitalist conspiracy to give people jobs and keep our economy strong is an absolute betrayal of everything we believe in.” As she was whisked away in her government limo to attend a taxpayer-funded banquet at Marrickville Town Hall in honour of the brave Boycotters of Max Brenner, the Senator made it clear that she would not sit idly by and watch greedy, self-interested minority groups try and influence the mainstream press.

Breaking his self-imposed vow of silence from a cave on Cradle Mountain, reclusive hermit Bob Brown was in full agreement. “There is only so much hate media that a sane person can put up with. There is a real danger that this nation will now be lumbered with even more hate media to, er, hate.”

Defending the move, popular comeback kid Kevin Rudd was keen to point out that he completely disagreed with his parliamentary colleagues. ““Can I just say this? I am proud that there are many hugely successful and well rounded women billionairesses who have made their mark in this country, and I think it is about time we had one of them running my local newspaper.”

But his comments found little favour with the rest of the cabinet. Prime Minister Julia Gillard sounded a note of caution. “What I am doing is building a new economy, which means it will be nothing like the old economy. So if people think they do whatever they like just because they know how to turn a decent profit in the old economy then they’d better think again. In my new economy, thanks to the mining tax, the carbon tax, Fair Work Australia, the unions, the abolition of the Australian Building and Construction Commission and the squillions blown on the NBN there won’t be any profits left for anyone to make. Gina included.”

Echoing his leader’s comments, Wayne Swan was keen to point out to reporters that the budget would definitely be returning to surplus in 2012-13. “What people like Gina must understand is that she may have a surplus $200 million to splash around pretending to be a media mogul, but she’s not the only one with a surplus. Courtesy of my brilliant skills – recognized globally – as the World’s Greatest Treasurer I intend to have the budget back in the black by at the end of May at the absolute latest. Hopefully to the tune of at east $76.32 cents.”

Speaking from New England, where he was attending the opening of the latest Philippe Starck designed and marble-floored wing of the Tamworth hospital – the visitor’s waiting room - Independent MP Tony Windsor was dismissive of the sums involved. “$200 million is, quite frankly, pocket money compared to the vast amounts I and my electorate have recently, er, pocketed,” he said, cutting the pure silk ribbon with a pair of diamond-encrusted platinum-plated scissors.

“There is nothing wrong with this at all,” agreed Senator Stephen Conroy. “With any luck, I may also be able to persuade Gina to personally invest in the NBN, which would bring the number of our subscribers up to four thousand and one.”

Stephen Mayne, of Crikey fame, was quick to sound a note of alarm. “The idea that anyone can just come along and set up their own media outlet is an affront to all we journos,” he said.

In other news today, shares in Andrew Bolt went through the roof.

THIRTY YEARS LATER (Fin Review Jan 7)

Cabinet documents released yesterday have reignited the bitter feud between Julia Gillard and her former colleagues as to who can lay claim to the many policy decisions taken during the turbulent Rudd/Gillard/Rudd/Shorten/Combet government thirty years ago.

"Kevin's a dear friend of mine and I'm not going to get into some slanging match about trivial events that occurred so long ago, but the carbon tax was all his idea," said a defiant Ms Gillard, speaking to reporters outside her lakeside apartment as Canberrans shivered through their coldest summer on record. "I made it very clear to everybody at the time that there would be no such tax under any government I led. Yes, I was forced to change my mind, but that was Bob Brown’s fault."

But her former Treasurer Wayne Swan, enjoying a summer skiing trip in the Gold Coast hinterland, sees it differently. "What you have to remember is that all the Treasury advice at the time was that climate change gave us the perfect excuse to, er, make the numbers stack up again. How else was I going to balance the books after Rudd went and blew a perfectly good surplus?"

Former PM Rudd, questioned at his own lakeside home on the outskirts of Geneva where he has just reappointed himself to another five year term as UN Secretary General, was quick to dismiss the assertions as mischievous scuttlebutt from a bunch of "pretty crook cobbers." "The record shows quite clearly I had nothing at all to do with any of it. When I spoke of a great moral challenge I was not speaking of any detailed programmatic specificity, but rather, merely articulating a widely held and popular point of view. Let's not forget - am I the guy who said sorry to the indigenous population of Australia? Yes. And am I the humble kid from Eumundi Plains who in my first term as Secretary General of the World apologized to the Inuits, the Aztecs, the Armenians, and the Orang Asli? You bet.”

Former PM Shorten takes an altogether different view.

"Basically, when the shit hit the fan and the country ground to a halt in the Winter of Discontent let's not forget I was the go-to guy who the party turned to. And I massively increased productivity almost overnight by repealing the carbon tax, repealing the mining tax, and introducing Fair Work Choices.”

Former PM Greg Combet laughs dismissively at any suggestion that Shorten’s short tenure as PM in the last two weeks of August 2014 had any impact whatsoever on the country’s economic health: “The papers clearly show that it was under my leadership that we introduced the Super Profits Tax, the Medium Profits Tax, the Tiny Profits Tax and the No Profits Whatsoever Tax. These were all key Labor economic reforms that transformed the way we do, er, I mean did, business in this country.”

However, Julia Gillard is adamant the records prove she was the key Prime Minister of the period. “My revolutionary Open Borders Policy was a huge success, ushering in a new era of vibrant and colorful Islamic culture into all aspects of Australian life.” But when questioned about the rumours of mass drownings taking place at sea during that era, Gillard is unequivocal. “Yes, but they were all Tony Abbot’s fault.”

Speaking from his tour bus on the Short Memories Anniversary Tour, Midnight Oil lead singer Peter Garrett called the release of the cabinet minutes "one of the greatest travesties of misinformation ever perpetrated upon the Australian people.” Mr Garrett, quivering with outrage and indignation, claimed: “When they said they were going to start digging up uranium and selling it willy nilly to the Indians I stomped my foot really hard underneath the cabinet table. And when they said they were giving the nod to basing more U.S. forces in Darwin I banged my fist really loudly on the table. Or it might have been the palm of my hand. But there's no mention of my steadfast opposition to both those thingies anywhere in any of the minutes.”

Of the mass-closure and bankruptcy of pubs and clubs throughout 2013 highlighted in the papers, Ms Gillard is unequivocal: “Yes, but that was all Andrew Willkie’s fault.”

Speaking via Wireless Hologram from his farm in Tasmania, former communications minister Conroy defended the blowouts of over two hundred billion dollars on the abandoned NBN as a tiny blip of no consequence whatsoever in the bigger picture of the government’s key economic platforms.

Penny Wong, currently President of the Gays Against Unfair Alimony Laws, said that gay marriage was one of the proudest legacies of her time in government.

In other news today, police hunting fugitive Malcolm Naden in bush north of the Barrington Tops say they are getting "very close."




THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS (Fin Review Jan 20)

Andrew blinked as he stepped into the gloom. He'd always avoided this sort of place. Huddled over the rows and rows of machines, their desperate, haunted features illuminated by a pallid glow, sat the hopeless, forlorn punters. His heart went out to them, and he felt a lump rise in his throat, as he thought of the fortunes being frittered away every few seconds. All to no avail. It was time to put a stop to this madness.

"Welcome to Canberra, Mr Wilkie," said the friendly looking redhead woman at the door. "Would you care to play?"

Andrew swallowed hard. He'd always promised his constituents that he'd stay independent of this mob. That the sins of the flesh and political patronage were not for him. He knew he’d be able to resist it. He was different.

"Go on," said the woman, whose nametag labeled her simply as Julia. "Everybody likes a flutter. It's fun.” A cheeky smile played on her thin lips. “Pick any game you like the look of," she whispered.

“It's very dark in here!” he replied, his voice betraying his nervousness. “Aren't there any windows?"

Julia laughed. "Of course not, Andrew. Parliament House was specially designed that way - so pollies never know whether it's night or day and just keep on playing. Clever, isn't it? Come and meet some of the others.”

Sitting at a bright, colourful machine, with a huge bucket of money next to him, a young man was frantically shoveling in what to Andrew looked like millions, if not billions, of coins. "This is Stephen," cooed Julia. "He's playing National Broadband." The man barely gave Andrew a glance. "I'm winning!" he said, breathlessly. "I've already signed up 4000 users!"

"And this is Wayne, who was recognized recently as The Worlds Greatest Gambler," said Julia proudly. "He borrows over a hundred million dollars every day!"

Andrew glanced around at all the sad and lonely faces. “Why not have a go?” said Julia sweetly.

He took a deep breath. He must be strong. "Not today, thank you, Julia," he said. “I just wanted to see how everything works down here. I’ll just take a squizz, you know, have a bit of a poke around."

In the darkness, Andrew couldn’t read her expression, but the tone in her voice seemed slightly more sinister. "A poke, did you say? That’s funny. We have a game called Pokie Reforms. Perhaps you'd like to try your luck?"

Before he could stop himself, Julia had ushered him into his very own chair. Gently taking his hand, she placed it on the cool, shiny lever. The machine whirred, and lights started to flash, almost as if the harmless box possessed a life of it's own.

"Imagine if you were to win," Julia purred seductively into his ear. "The prestige, the power." Andrew felt his heart racing. "You could be a legend in your own lifetime. History books will sing your praises. Maybe name a statute after you – Wilkie’s Law! The Man Who Won on Pokie Reform."

Andrew struggled to resist. But the temptation was too strong. As the dazzling pictures and symbols flashed hypnotically before his eyes, he felt an exhilarating surge of adrenalin coursing through his veins. This was it! Finally, he was doing something important with his life. He was a player! As he pulled on the lever, a man at the next machine leaned over and started to say something but Andrew wasn’t listening. He pulled again. The sound, the colour. It was more exciting than anything he'd ever experienced. He pulled again. As the hours rushed past, he was lost in a frenzied, glittering whirlwind of newspaper interviews, television studios and flashing lights.  

And then there was silence. As abruptly as it started, the game had stopped. Andrew stared at the blank, silent machine, stunned.

He called out for Julia, but she was far away, over the other side of the room, laughing and joking with another man; showing him which buttons to push on a glitzy game called Speaker of the House.  Andrew started to panic. He wanted to keep playing. Frantically he searched in his pockets, but he didn't have any chips left to bargain with. It had all gone.

The man at the machine next to him leaned over again. "I'm Nick," he said, with a wry smile on his face. "I tried to warn you. Pokie Reforms is one hell of a game. I've been addicted to it for years. But I reckon it’s rigged coz no matter what you do the House always wins."

HOW TO DISMANTLE DEMOCRACY

Fed up with a democratic process that questions your every move and challenges your every ideological assumption? Despair no more. Democracy may be a finely-honed, intricate and complex mechanism that has been put together over thousands of years, but there’s still no reason why you can’t pull it to pieces; just follow this handy step-by-step guide.

1.    The key structural component of any democracy is capitalism, or rather, the process whereby individuals can harness their own skills, talents, desires and ambitions in order to improve their lot in life. In order to dismantle democracy, you must first switch off the capitalist power supply. There are a number of safe and proven ways to do this:

The “Fanny”: Cleverly perfected by the immensely talented innovator William J. Clinton, this simple procedure will almost certainly bring your country’s capitalist economy to a grinding halt. Firstly, put in place legislation that requires mortgage lenders to lend money to people who have absolutely no means of repaying it. Secondly, ensure that there is no penalty for defaulting on your mortgage, allowing people to simply pack up and walk away from properties they can no longer afford. Thirdly, allow government accreditation of mortgage lenders purely on the basis of the number of such loans they are prepared to hand out. Leave to simmer for about a decade or so, then sit back and watch the entire apparatus collapse in a heap.

The “Brussel Sprout”:  Success has many fathers, and this elaborately cunning process is no exception. With special commendation going to H. Kohl, F. Mitterand, J. Delors, T. Blair and numerous other inventive and dedicated individuals, this scheme involves a lengthy “hoodwinking” period, during which the people of a variety of utterly incompatible and dysfunctional economies are ensured that tipping all their odorous economic ingredients into one big melting pot will create a magic pudding of peace, harmony and unending wealth. Crucially, any sceptics who question the wisdom of such a recipe must be labeled “radicals”, “hardliners” and even “fools” by the press of the day.

The “Brewster” (aka the ‘Swan Dive’): In extremely rare circumstances, you may find you have inherited a large amount of money due to the frugality and caution of your predecessor. If so, it is obligatory that – as in the John Candy comedy ‘Brewster’s Millions’ – you blow the entire lot in as little time as possible. Soon you will be safely back in debt.

2.    Well done. Now that you’ve successfully thrown a spanner into the capitalist works, it is crucial that you repeatedly reinforce the negative connotations associated with it. Some suggestions:

Pen an essay, as did Kevin Rudd, claiming that “it now falls to social democracy to prevent liberal capitalism from cannibalising itself.”  Express sympathy, as did Ed Millaband, for the goals of the ‘Occupy’ movement, emphasizing the need to “rid the country of irresponsible, predatory capitalism." With any luck, you should soon be hearing, from respected writers such as the Sydney Morning Herald’s Jessica Irving, that “If we want (market) fairness, we have to demand it of our governments.”

3.    Congratulations. You have now successfully unhitched capitalism from democracy in the public’s mind, so you can start embellishing your own role. The following steps can be taken in any order:

Find a cause. Ideally, one that requires massive government taxation and involves a ‘doomsday’ threat for people to get passionate about. Traditionally, wars and crusades have proven popular, but why not be more imaginative? Nowadays apocalyptic scenarios can be conjured up out of anything from Y2K viruses to a 12^th century imam sitting at the bottom of a well – or even polar bears scurrying off ice floes.

Bloat your public service. If people rely on you for a living, they are hardly going to want to get rid of you.

Strengthen your unions. Get the public used to the idea that faceless men and back room deals, as opposed to the ballot box, will decide who runs the country.

Rewrite history. Wherever possible, airbrush your opponents out of the picture.

Open your borders. Nothing undermines democracy faster than replacing controlled immigration with chaos and confusion.

Reduce individual wealth. Find a handy and oblique euphemism (we recommend ‘quantative easing’ or ‘expansionary monetary policy’) for printing as much dosh for yourself as you want. Then spend it. Fast. Alternatively, just keep borrowing lots of money. (China’s usually good for a touch-up, but remember to call it a ‘stimulus package.’)

Redistribute the loot. With capitalism on the ropes, now is the perfect opportunity to ramp up those taxes on profitable companies and splash out the money bribing, er, ‘compensating’ the great unwashed.

4.    Don’t forget – you need to start ignoring the electorate’s wishes and begin imposing your own ideology upon them. If you’re floundering, why not form a coalition and borrow someone else’s whacko beliefs? Remember, nothing thwarts the will of the voting population more than when the ruling party throws in their lot with a group of self-serving, hypocritical, unmandated Independents, Greens, religious fanatics or whatever. This allows government to waste time and money on fringe issues, elitist lobby groups, nanny-state opinionists and so on, thereby removing the need to stick to any actual election promises. (Warning: if your coalition looks like coming unstuck, quickly purchase a Speaker. Any old one will do.)

5.    You’re almost there! For the final flourish, get a few disgruntled fellow-travellers to come up with some “alternative ideas” to “improve” democracy. These could include government by lottery, or even better, government by appointment of “interested parties” and “academic experts.” Make sure you give them lots of fancy names. And while you’re at it, polish up your own sales pitch. Ensure that whatever you promise the electorate is actually devoid of any credible meaning. Stuck for ideas? Be brave. Try something really inane, like “moving forward”, “say yes to the future” or even “we are us.”

Well done! Have fun and enjoy your dismantled democracy for years to come.

RIP OFF (Spectator leader Dec 31)

“I am furious! We’ve been ripped off!” raged an irate Anna Bligh, clearly angered by the syphoning off of millions of dollars of taxpayers’ money by one of her own public servants. Now she knows how the rest of us feel.

The flamboyant, trilby-wearing Hohepa Morehu-Barlow may have helped himself to sports cars, waterfront homes, fancy artworks, a perfume shop and race-horses all on the public purse, but even so his lavish spending spree pales into insignificance when compared with the wasteful and excessive splurging of public funds by another couple of profligate Queenslanders.

Over the past four years messrs Rudd and Swan have squandered our hard-earned readies on a shopping list that would take even Morehu-Barlow’s perfumed breath away. Adding up the reckless expenditure on such goodies as the un-commercial NBN, a carbon tax that won’t stop climate change, school halls for schools that are now being closed, advertising campaigns for health reforms that have now been dumped, a disastrous boat people policy that will cost the taxpayer untold sums in welfare and policing as asylum seekers are sent unprocessed into the community, all the legal and other costs associated with the failed Malaysian Solution, the increased foreign aid granted for the sole purpose of currying favour with the UN, the utterly pointless millions handed out willy nilly to African dictatorships to line their pockets and, er, ‘tackle climate change’, the lost productivity caused by increased union demands and strike activity, the cancelled solar panel rebates, pink batts, set top boxes and countless other ideologically-based and ill-thought out commitments is a depressing activity that sees the Australian tax-payer dudded to the tune of over a hundred million dollars a day.

Anna Bligh intends to recover “every last cent” of Morehu-Barlow’s “rip-off.” Alas, the Australian taxpayer will have no such luck.

LAUGHING UNDERWATER (Spectator leader Nov 18)

Perhaps they should include the video for Sexy and I Know it, by LMFAO, in GetUp’s 2050 “carbon tax” time capsule. This current chart-topping hit features a bunch of young men in their undies wiggling their tackle around, and will tell future generations all they need to know about the value of the contemporary popular music scene.

Also waggling their tackle around, metaphorically speaking, are Wayne Swan, John Hewson, Bob Brown and, er, Penny Wong, who have all agreed to “be a part of history” by contributing their very own “letter to future generations” to be sealed in GetUp’s time capsule to prove they “cared enough to speak up in an era when fear and cowardice almost won the day.” You don’t have to hang around to 2050 to imagine the earnest and unctuous words they, and others, will have penned. The air of self-righteous smugness will no doubt be as fresh as a daisy when the capsule is finally popped opened in the Museum of Australian Democracy thirty nine years hence.

Time capsules cut both ways. Although there is a faint possibility the Museum will be under water by then, there is a far greater likelihood that the prophesiers of doom will by 2050 have been shown to have exaggerated the scientific hypothesis of human-induced climate change in order to justify a reckless tax, and that without drastic and economically-suicidal actions by China, the US, India and others, the Gillard government’s carbon tax will be acknowledged as having been deceptive, unnecessarily expensive and utterly futile.

“Well at least we did something,” or “we thought we were doing the right thing” will be the awkward justifications when, and if, anybody ever bothers to open GetUp’s latest gimmick. Hopefully they include the aforementioned hit single. It might, in the end, be less embarrassing than everything else in the capsule.

SWAN"S GOOSE COOKED BY COMICAL ALI (Spectator leader Oct 22)

A week may be a long time in politics, but so is thirteen minutes when you’re up against Ali Moore, the ABC’s sharpest interviewer. With an amused twinkle in her eye, Ali slowly grilled Wayne Swan to reveal that underneath his shiny new cloak of “The World’s Greatest Finance Minister” lies… not very much at all.

“I believe there is a serious situation in the global economy,” Wayne informed startled viewers, before enlightening us that he personally sees his main role as “getting on with making sure that we strengthen the global economy.” Whew!

“Can you give us some detail?” Ms. Moore repeatedly begged, struggling in the face of a tsunami of bureaucratic jargon along the lines of “All of these things are part of the architecture of a comprehensive response” and “a sizeable facility to assist a European financial stability facility.” Until Wayne finally confessed: “it's entirely a matter for the European ministers to talk about what they intend to do.” And, er… that’s it.

As for genuine insights into the global debt crisis, Australia’s IMF role, cabinet leaks, the effects of onshore processing on the surplus and the legalities of the carbon tax – all raised by the determined Ms. Moore - Swan failed to deliver anything other than pre-rehearsed spin and obfuscation.

To the point where the interview tipped into satire: “I couldn't give you an update on that, but there will be an update on that in the normal processes through the mid-year review at the end of the year. That's the appropriate time to provide the update.”

By the end, our world-famous Treasurer was left floundering that: “I don’t know if those reports were accurate or not,” “I'm not ruling anything in or out,” and “I'm not going to speculate about what may or may not happen.”

Even the amiable Ali struggled to keep smiling.