RELIABLE AND COMPETENT (Spectator leader April 13)

“Relaxed and comfortable” was the mantra of John Howard’s government, but looking back at what was clearly Australia’s golden decade, “reliable and competent” might be a more accurate moniker.

By and large, the previous Coalition government could be relied upon to deliver its election commitments in a competent fashion, to the benefit of the economy and the community. Of itself, this sounds a rather mundane and unimpressive boast. Isn’t that what all governments are supposed to do? But as we get well into the fifth year of Labor’s tumultuous and destructive period in office, “reliable and competent” appear goals as distant and unattainable for this government to achieve as Thorpie’s recent quest for another Olympic gong.

“Politically unreliable” and “managerially incompetent” would be a more accurate description of almost every federal initiative undertaken. The Rudd era fiascos of pinks batts, the ETS, and Grocerywatch seem like quaint slip-ups when compared to the latest multi-million dollar mishaps of Gillard, Swan, Conroy et al.

Whether it be the disgraceful duplicity of the Australia Network tendering process, the ongoing pork-barreling of the NBN with its whiteboard-style choice of which lucky Labor electorate gets what and when, the teeth-grinding behavior of Fair Work Australia, the inexcusable refusal of the government to front up to the Craig Thomson allegations, the Machiavellian maneuverings over who gets what out of the mining tax, or the vast sums being squandered before the carbon tax has even been introduced to keep the energy companies onside, what typifies Labor’s actions is a sly disdain for the truth combined with breathtaking ineptitude and financial recklessness.

The list goes on. Unions running amok. Business disquiet over the mooted diesel rebate removal. The abandonment of genuine, much-needed tax reform. The stuff-ups over asylum seekers, cattle exports, and gaffes such as threatening PNG sanctions. At every turn, in stark contrast to its predecessor, this government manages to be either unreliable in its commitments or incompetent in their implementation.

It requires no effort of imagination to predict that the big ticket items, the MRRT, the carbon tax and the NBN, will be as clumsily implemented as all Labor’s other ill-prepared and rushed-through schemes. Lack of consultation, a failure to anticipate problems and a fingers-crossed-behind-the-back management style will continue to be their hallmark, with inevitable consequences.

A billion lost here, a couple of hundred million gone there. Taxpayers’ hard-earned wealth is being frittered away through errors of judgment at an alarming rate. Meanwhile, business groups warn that our overseas competitors are eagerly poised to take full advantage of our self-inflicted imposts, whilst inevitably, investment in exploration for new mines is heading to cheaper fields abroad.

The tragedy for Australian prosperity is that there is one area where the Gillard team will always remain reliable and competent; clinging onto power through whatever means it takes. Miraculously, the carbon tax “compensation” payouts will competently deliver a bucktload of cash at precisely the right time for the next election. You can rely on it.

PROMISE ONE DAY, BROKEN THE NEXT (Spectator leader March 26)

Peter Beattie suggests Julia Gillard “buys a house in Queensland” as a means of rebuilding Labor in that state. It’s not as whacky as it sounds, but not for the reasons Peter suggests. The punters in the sunshine state don’t need to see any more of the PM; rather she needs to listen to them.

A month living in a pretty fibro in, say, Cairns, would do Julia a world of good. She’d pick it up dirt cheap, although it might still be missing a few tiles on the roof, or indeed the whole roof, but not to worry. Apart from a day trip out to the reef (she’d have no problem getting a ticket, tourism numbers are way down) she’ll have time to pop around to a few backyard barbies where she’ll meet some of the welders, underground drillers, boiler operators and pipe fitters who are on their way to creating our national wealth, and explain to them how her carbon and mining taxes won’t kill the golden goose. She may also care to explain to a large number of her neighbours, many of whom remain unemployed, why their electricity bills are yet again about to go through those same freshly-retiled roofs.

She should also pop down to the local IGA on a regular basis, and see for herself how difficult most people find it to make ends meet. She might find it tactful not to mention the hundred million bucks of their tax money that she daily fritters away on asylum seekers, the mismanagement of border control, wasteful car and ‘green’ subsidies, excessive overseas aid and vanity projects like the NBN.

Also, listening to plain speaking battlers might make Julia realize, as Anna now appreciates, that it’s not about demonizing your opponents. It’s about making a promise one day and breaking it the next.

THE CREAM CURDLES (Spectator leader March 30)

Labor and the Greens are now locked in a macabre dance, reminiscent of the film “They Shoot Horses Don’t They?” where contestants have to keep on going even though they know each step is killing them.

Regardless of who leads it, modern Labor is fatally wedged on virtually every decision it faces. Quite simply, no policy can serve both the needs and wants of urban working families and also satisfy the inner-city elitist Green agenda. Their values are mutually incompatible.

The decision by Julia Gillard to “co-invest” in Holden to the tune of $275 million (much of which goes as a payrise to the unions) is just the latest example of the hopeless dilemma Labor has set for itself in its accommodation with Bob Brown. Why “save” a carbon-intensive product and company, and then introduce a tax whose sole purpose is to destroy it? Who’s kidding who? As with the recent job losses in aluminum smelting, the Gillard camp seem determined to convince not only themselves but also their two key – and opposing - constituencies of the biggest furphy of them all – that tackling climate change won’t have an impact on prosperity.

Take any policy issue from border control, to live cattle exports, from pokies reform to mining. The left side of the Labor brain (creating working class jobs and improving blue-collar standards of living) is directly at odds with the right side of the brain (pandering to wildly expensive inner-city fads and anti-growth obsessions.) The schism goes right to the heart of the beast, paralyzing its every move. Over the next 18 months, as our competitiveness, and our economic and employment growth continue to fall, the discrepancy will only become more profound. The great white hope of “renewables industries” and “sustainable jobs” designed to reconcile this rift is nothing but spin. The working classes already know it in their gut.

The Queensland annihilation, as with its NSW precursor, should have ripped the scales from the eyes of those in power in Canberra, yet clearly it hasn’t. So deep-rooted is the self-delusion (perhaps Bob Carr was right about the hypnotist, just wrong about which tent he’s performing in) that federal Labor carries on waltzing towards political oblivion.

The Greens, so long as they hold the balance of power federally, will ensure that Labor continue to be ripped asunder by the two opposing objectives of “saving jobs” and “saving the planet.” Increasingly, the outer suburbs witness manufacturing and other job losses whilst in Surry Hills all the talk is of hosting dinner parties in the dark. Hoping to pull off one of the biggest sleights of hand of all time, Labor are praying that shoving cash into people’s pockets through the “compensation packages” will fool enough voters into ignoring the obvious: that the taxes kill jobs.

To borrow Kim Beazley Snr’s memorable phrase, Labor are torn between representing the cream of the working classes and the dregs of the middle class. In four states now, the cream has curdled.

HE HAD HER AT HELLO (Fin Review March 5)

It’s a marriage made in Labor heaven. The Master of Spin hooks up with the Mistress of the Backroom Deal. Two needy, lonely hearts, who in embracing, compensate for each others glaring deficiencies. As Renee Zellweger said to Tom Cruise in chick-flick ‘Jerry MaGuire’: “You complete me.”

For Julia Gillard, her debilitating inability to connect with the public will now be handed over to the man of the mellifluous voice and head-line grabbing soundbites, while her complete lack of political nous will be more than compensated for by the wily former Premier’s almost canine-like knack of sniffing every nuance floating on the political breeze.

For Bob Carr, who has fantasised about this job but was never prepared to put in the hard yards to earn it, he now has the queen of the late night negotiations doing the dirty work for him, leaving him free to pester the newsroom in the wee hours of the morning before he “shoots off” overseas. Of course, the fact that he is able to waltz into one of the cushiest, most high-profile gigs in Australia without actually having broken into a sweat says all you need to know about the political quagmire that is our current federal cabinet.

Bob Carr is the architect, interior designer and chief salesman of one of the least attractive governments in NSW history; the eyesore on the political landscape that was the 1995-2010 Labor government. His record in government is woeful, with Sydney’s infrastructure shamefully neglected during his decade in power. Now, as well as wallowing in a highly-paid job with Macquarie Bank, he is an avid student and blogger on foreign affairs. This is probably the first time in our history that this most coveted and critical ministerial position has been awarded to someone simply because it’s their hobby. It's like putting the builder of Redfern’s notorious, recently-demolished Block onto the Architectural Council just because his favourite TV show is 'Grand Designs.'

Carr's 1995 "written in blood" pre-election promise to resign if he didn't halve hospital waiting lists within twelve months was as brazen as Gillard’s "there will be no carbon tax under the government I lead." The waiting lists soared, while Carr unblushingly stayed put. But where Gillard has been brought to her knees by her foolish pre-election promise, Carr’s mastery of spin saw him slip out unscathed. No wonder she’s a fan.

Similarly, his eleventh hour promise to scrap M4 and M5 tolls - a commitment that saw two crucial Liberal seats in Western Sydney fall to Labor and thereby put Carr in Macquarie street by one seat - was abandoned straight after that same election. According to former Roads Minister Michael Knight, in Marilyn Dodkin’s ‘Bob Carr: The Reluctant Leader’: “The toll was a big mega-example of a broken promise. It wasn’t the toll per se that was hurting us, it was the character trait of breaking promises and of being untrustworthy and shifty.” Sound familiar?

The current federal government have earned themselves a formidable reputation for grandiose promises that are casually dumped into the ‘too-hard’ basket post-election (last weeks axing of solar rebate springs to mind, along with the ETS, cash-for-clunkers, grocery watch and so on) but Gillard and Rudd are mere babes in the wood when it comes to Bob Carr's track record of ditching promises and avoiding commitments. A master of timing, Carr sensed precisely the right moment to jump before the public realized that the Good Ship NSW was riddled with holes.

Carr and Treasurer Michael Egan were the Gillard and Swan of their day when it came to lazily relying on "taxing the boom" to account for supposed sound economic management. For Carr, Sydney's 1990's real estate bonanza provided a never-ending cascade of ready cash. Quick to capitalize on it, the pair introduced the unpopular NSW Land Tax (decried at the time as a wealth tax, death tax, investment tax and envy tax all rolled into one) followed by the greedy and short-lived Vendor Tax. According to Dodkins, “Carr was seen as a Robin Hood, taking from the rich to give to the poor. He revelled in (it).” In much the same way, Gillard and Swan are revelling in the promise of milking the resources boom and re-distributing the nation’s wealth through the mining and carbon taxes. Wayne Swan’s recent attack on “tycoons” makes it clear that he, too, views himself in the Robin Hood camp. Julia, presumably, will be happy to play Maid Marion.

Already, Carr has put to good use his booming voice and new-found relevance to spruik Julia’s favourite obsession. “The horror of an Abbott-led government,” was his first classic sound grab, eagerly lapped up the newsroom.

No wonder he had her at ‘hello’.

KEVIN'S RESIGNATION SPEECH (Fin Review Feb 24)

A leaked video of Kevin Rudd’s resignation speech has found its way onto the internet, believed to have been posted by none other than the former Foreign Minister himself.

Kevin Rudd: “Ah mate, this is just impossible. (Winces.) I get to the very end of dinner and I’m explaining to Ban Ki Moon that he has my absolute full and total support and that I in no way intend to challenge him for his job as Secretary General of the United Nations, which he is getting on with while I am getting on with mine because honestly I’m perfectly content being both Prime Minister-in- Waiting and Foreign Minister of Australia and then, strike me dead, I’ve got to zip over to the f--king Willard hotel in the middle of the night and… (lifts hands in exasperation)… make a resignation speech before they go and sack me! (Shakes head and looks away from camera, then takes a deep breath.) All because of these f--king hopeless time zone differences! I mean what f--kwit ever dreamt that one up? How f--king inconsiderate! (Takes a long slow sip of water, then mutters off camera.) Mate, can you tell these dickheads in the embassy to just give me a simple backdrop, something plain and unobtrusive, not this gold flock wallpaper, I’ve said this before, tell that bloody seppo that… Aarrrgghh this f--king language! You ask for a plain, simple, unobtrusive backdrop with a nice Aussie flag so I look like a normal, happy little vegemite coz you know something that’s exactly what I am and… and… those faceless men on Reception go and stick me in the bloody George Washington Honeymoon Suite with all these fancy gold patterns and swirls and floral motifs and it just complicates it SO MUCH, you know, how can anyone do this to me? I’m human like anyone else, aren’t I? (Winces again, as if fighting back the tears.) All the other rooms are shut up for the night and I can’t even get into my own room coz I can’t work that STUPID electronic swipe key! It might be easy for you to sit there and say it’s easy to do but let me tell you mate it isn’t!! (Shakes his head from side to side, moaning, as if suffering from hemorrhoids.) Nnnggghhh! (Sits up straight and stares at the camera for several seconds, not blinking.) Honestly? It’s time for some plain speaking here; the simple truth is I cannot be expected to carry out my stealth campaign against the Prime Minister if she’s going to sack me. I just think it’s pretty sad for everybody when a soon-to-be-former leader of our party behaves in this way. I sat up for three days and three nights with twenty PR advisers from around the world to work out how to persuade those ratf—kers in the Labor Party who fancy keeping their f—king jobs to just hurry up and draft me back and… It’s just you know, this is becoming hopeless! (Whacks table.) Because I am absolutely passionate about… I’ve been frustrated domestically, I’ve been frustrated politically by the lack of progress in my triumphant return to the Lodge but I will not be deterred and I will progress this matter and I will achieve the best possible means of bringing down this government. (Sighs and picks up a glass of water, then mutters off camera again.) Tell them to cancel my 6 o’clock brekky with Barrack Obama you know I just don’t have the f--king patience to do that – is this a f--king Chinese interior decorator here or what? (Stares at wallpaper.) Just f--king hopeless… (Grimaces.) And the bottom line is this… the bottom line is this… let me tell you this mate… there is no way I can be expected to stare in the mirror in the future and say ‘K-Rudd you passed up the core opportunity to get your old job back as the President… ‘ (Slams fist down on the desk, sending glass of water flying.) Aarggh! I f--ked up the last word…"

Meanwhile, Julia Gillard has denied that members of her staff have been working for at least the last two weeks on a secret acceptance speech. “I am not surprised that whether its people in my office or people more broadly in the Labor Party who are casting in their mind where circumstances might get to, but does that mean I know about it? Of course not,” said the Prime Minister.

In the speech she accepts that she has lost her job and accepts that Stephen Smith has taken over.

A BLOODBATH (Spectator leader Feb 25)

It’s an intricate two-step, but one false move now spells death. As Rudd surprises everyone including his own supporters with his adroit resignation, seeking the ideal strategic moment to knife his nemesis, the PM ducks and weaves hoping she won’t shoot herself in the foot again. Behind the scenes, however, it’s Tony Abbott who must take the credit for bringing about this deadly dance.

“The simple truth is that I cannot continue to serve as Foreign Minister if I do not have the Prime Minister’s support,” said Kevin Rudd, hilariously eschewing a “stealth attack on a sitting Prime Minister” and twisting events to appear decisive and “honest” whilst fraudulently painting himself as the aggrieved and innocent party (“the Australian people want an end to this soap opera.”) Jumping before he was pushed, he has cannily thrown the spotlight onto Gillard’s presumed inability to beat Abbott at the next election.

Normally, when a political party tears itself apart in such a spectacular and vitriolic fashion, there is a key policy issue at stake; Turnbull vs Abbott over climate change being an obvious example. But as with his original “faceless men” dethroning, Rudd’s latest move comes with no philosophical baggage. It’s simply a question of perceived popularity, mind games and who is the wiliest fighter.

In the absence of any clashes of conviction, another battleground had to be found for Rudd to attack on, and this was eagerly provided by the Press Gallery over the past few weeks, keen to notch up a hit after being wrong-footed by political events more than once over recent years.

A strong, confident leader would have been impervious to the hysterical but essentially empty provocations of Four Corners, 7.30, the Daily Telegraph and others. Gillard wasn’t. Above all, it is Tony Abbott’s success in fatally weakening the Prime Minister that is at the heart of her current predicament. Constantly carping on about his “negativity” and the “No-alition” has proven to be Gillard’s biggest mistake. At every turn, and on every policy issue, she has empowered Abbott in the eyes of the electorate (and, crucially, wavering members of caucus), whilst feeding the impression that she doesn’t know how to defeat him. Much like the picadors who soften up the animal for the kill, Abbott has relentlessly driven his spear into the spine of Gillard, making it that much more tempting for Rudd-the-matador to convince himself (and his supporters) that he can finish her off.

Bleeding, clearly rattled, and unable to shake off the “untrustworthy” tag, it is immaterial whether Gillard survives the imminent showdown. Her confidence and authority are shattered, and her Prime Ministership is doomed. Rudd’s tactics have so far outwitted her at every stage. He hasn’t missed a step, and it is unlikely he will stumble now, although there is always the possibility of a third contender popping up.

Whoever is left standing, the Labor Party has been battered to within an inch of its life. The internal bruising will take many years to fade.

THREE PRIME MINISTERS (Fin Review Feb 11)

Australia now effectively has three Prime Ministers; the populist, the pragmatist and the politician. All three were hard at work last week, beavering away in front of the TV cameras as they sought to lead the nation in their three unique ways. One wants to be loved, one wants to be listened to, and one craves respect and legitimacy.

In some ways, we should be grateful. Who says you only need one leader? Plenty of European countries have run on troikas, including the USSR briefly after Stalin croaked and it didn’t do the Russians any harm (comparatively), so why should it bother us?

Our populist leader – the one recognized as Australia’s PM by everyone overseas - returned to his favorite haunt this week, a schoolyard on the Gold Coast hinterland where, surrounded by adoring Aryan-looking sun-bleached Aussie school kids in peaked hats and bright tee shirts, he was able to show off his brilliant PR and diplomatic skills. Sounding nicer and more reasonable than any human being should ever have to, Kevin slid the knife ever so gently out of his own back, and with the greatest of aplomb, popped it squarely back where it belongs - between the shoulder blades of Simon Crean. "Can I just say this..?" began Mr Ever-so-humble-and-exceedingly-reasonable, and we knew we were in for a doozy. He didn't disappoint. As the kiddies gazed up at him, with expressions normally reserved for a Bono, a Federer or a Justin Bieber, Kevin neatly countered Crean’s ambush attack and turned his graceless criticism that he was "a prima donna" and "not a team player" abruptly on it's head: "I am proud to be a member of this ministerial team, which is very strong, very dedicated, very hard-working and in which Simon himself plays a very positive role,'' said the foreign minister; humility, sincerity and Prime Ministerial magnanimity oozing out of every pore. The kiddies, the journalists and the Queensland hinterland swooned as one.

Meanwhile, in the nation's capitol, suitably attired in a smart suit and the same tie he wore to the Lobby punch up on Australia Day, our pragmatic leader – the one who has dictated the government’s agenda this year and says what most people outside the beltway think - set out to prove to a sceptical audience of hardened journos that he’s more than just a fluro vest and a pair of tight fitting togs. Having spent most of the year telling the government what not to do and how not to do it, it was time for a bit of overdue 'positivity.' Telling it like it is came easy to Abbott, but utterly confounded the press gallery, so conditioned as they are to a daily diet of deception and spin. Pragmatically - and honestly - Abbott pointed out that there wasn't a great deal any Prime Minister can readily commit to until the budget is back in strong surplus. In other words, in a world that is being brought to it's knees by mountains of government-generated debt, wouldn't it be a smart idea to sit tight and hold off on the overblown spending commitments, grandiose projects and novelty taxes that risk tipping our own perilously-poised economy over the edge? Explaining his aspirations, principles and priorities - practical measures he intends to see achieved on dental health, aboriginal welfare, disability care and so on - clearly left the nation's top journalists confounded and more than a little frustrated. They'd far rather have a 'core promise' to jot down in the cynical hope that they can string him up with it further down the track.

And finally, way down south, our nuts and bolts political leader – the one who gets to have all the fun doing backroom deals and backflips - went to work, mouthing carefully scripted words to sell us something nobody asked for and almost certainly nobody will ever see: her new economy. Taken straight out of the mouths of focus group groupies, the "new economy" is a soundbite phrase carefully selected by the same mob who gave us "we are us" and "moving forward." it sounds thrilling and enticing but on closer inspection is devoid of meaning. Attempting to steal credit from Howard and Costello for the rivers of gold that Labor found sloshing around in the vaults under Parliament house and promptly spent, at best the "new economy" is jargon for a robust mining boom being pilfered by a punitive couple of wealth redistribution measures; one a straight out envy tax, the other disingenuously presented as "saving the planet."

All three speeches received the appropriate media coverage and varying degrees of acclaim. We are blessed to have three such gifted Prime Ministers. At some point, however, we might actually have to choose between them.