THE LABOR MESSIAH (Spectator Easter leader)

The search for a messiah to lead them out of the wilderness will certainly intensify within Labor ranks if not before the next election then certainly the day afterwards.

Call it the curse of Gough, but Labor, more so than any other political party, constantly seeks a mystical leader capable of inspiring the masses. Whether it be the “light on the hill” or the Tree of Knowledge, the “greatest moral challenge” or “true believers,” Labor mythology likes to imbue events and personalities with qualities above and beyond those of mere mortals.

However great the left’s heroes may or may not have been, what the last two decades has shown is that the Labor Party struggles to draw a distinction between the statesman, the showman, and the shaman.

Bob Carr was arguably a great media performer in his heyday, but the way he is being wheeled out now on every occasion and on any subject is increasingly embarrassing to watch – akin to a ham actor struggling to pull off his old stage tricks.

Bill Shorten’s frequent media appearances also have an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu about them, as he attempts to channel Bob Hawke – the pragmatic reconciler of the great divisions between the working and managerial classes. What such an act forgets is that the unions, although desperately important to the Labor Party, bear very little relevance to working Australians, other than as the butt of gags about credit cards and prostitutes.

Displaying all the warmth and empathy of Nosferatu in Clark Kent glasses, fellow ex-union boss Greg Combet also falls well short of delivering on messianic appeal. Stephen Smith is, well, Stephen Smith. Crean comes across like a contender for the next series of Grumpy Old Men.

Wayne Swan, who played Judas to Rudd’s futile attempt at messianic resurrection, clearly sees himself as a potential savior. His recent Sermon in the Monthly and attacks in the temple of public opinion on the money lenders and mining magnates were blatant pitches to the unions to support him. What he fails to understand is that the voters – particularly in the crucial Queensland seats –will never forgive his betrayal of one of their own.

Forget the blokes. Penny Wong and Nicola Roxon will be the ones to watch post-Julia.

To the spin merchants of Sussex Street, it is the spokesperson who is more important than the product they are trying to sell. The faceless men and women (surely in a progressive party such as the ALP there can be faceless women, too?) still seem incapable of understanding that it is the policies, not the politician, that ultimately triumphs.

Labor still hopes that the carbon tax – an anomalous economic “reform” born of a blatant lie and a cynical backroom deal – will be their road to salvation, as money flows into the economy by way of “compensation.” Thirty pieces of silver for each and every working family.

In all likelihood, the voters will take the money but wash their hands of the mob that gave it to them. Labor, slowly but surely, will be crucified on a cross of its own making.

AWAKENING COSTELLO

Having launched his unprovoked attack on Pearl Harbor, Naval Marshal General Isoroku Yamamoto uttered the fateful lines: "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."

Watching former Treasurer Peter Costello’s equally resolved response to the “shemozzle” over the Future Fund chairmanship appointment, it is clear that Wayne Swan, Penny Wong, Stephen Conroy and the other economic pygmies of the Labor Party are similarly prodding the slumbering beast, daring him to wake up.

Aroused from his post-2007 kip, Peter Costello would be Labor’s worst nightmare. Compared to the amateur featherweights who now control the nation’s finances, Costello is a heavyweight prize-fighter, with the track record, the political nous, and the parliamentary skills to wipe the floor with what is one of the least competent collection of economic managers in our nation’s history.

From Senator Stephen Conroy, whose legacy will be the laughable “set-top boxes” scheme and an unnecessary network that the private sector would have built anyway (saving the taxpayer over $50 billion), came this extraordinary and illogical comment: “I'd rather put my money under the control of David Gonski any day of the week.” Er, Stephen, have you forgotten that your government’s sole economic boast – bringing us through the GFC unscathed – is entirely due to the fact that yours, my, and the entire nation’s finances were under Peter Costello’s control for over a decade? Personally, that’ll do for me when it comes to a reference for taking care of our sovereign wealth, unless of course you regard flogging sugar-water to overweight, attention-deprived kiddies as of higher merit.

From Wayne Swan, who at the slightest hint of criticism is quick to boast of being “endorsed by the IMF, the OECD, the World Bank, and Euromoney magazine” came the bizarre comment that Peter Costello "always had tickets on himself." Er, Wayne, what tickets would they be? That he actually knew how to deliver a surplus, year in, year out? That he (not you) took our economy to the point where it became the envy of the world? That the nation’s employment prospects grew under his stewardship, as opposed to shrinking under yours?

From Penny Wong, who is shaping up to be the Prime Minister’s equal when it comes to hair-splitting technicalities and obfuscating semantics, came this gem (regarding Gonski being both “confidante” of the guardians as well as the successful candidate): “He informed the Government of the views of the board. That is not the same thing as making a recommendation.” But, er, Penny, the view of the board was that they recommended Costello. Besides, ever heard of “conflict of interest”?

From Anthony Albanese we learn that Peter Costello “has never been offered a corporate position.” Good point Albo, and well done for reminding us that Peter’s formidable skills are better suited to a political career rather than a corporate one. Hopefully he will now heed your advice.

It’s time for Costello to return to the fray. Neither political party contains an economic manager of his proven skills. Wayne Swan’s belittling of our entrepreneurs and our banks, and his inability to see beyond the old-fashioned ideology of Labor’s class war are costing every Australian dearly. Particularly those trying to make a quid. We may have dodged a bullet during the first GFC, but we are utterly unprepared for any future shocks to our financial system.

The carbon tax, the mining tax, Fair Work Australia and increased union and Greens power don’t come without a hefty price-tag. The economic debate has gone tragically adrift. In Labor’s “looking glass” world, what are touted as “reforms” are nothing of the sort; merely anchors dragging behind the vessels of growth that keep the nation buoyant.

Labor and Swan are deforming, rather than reforming, our economy. An agenda that sees entrepreneurs as a threat, taxes as the panacea for everything, and chooses to put a moral label on the size of your business (small business is “good”, big business is “bad” – huh?) has been tried and found wanting in Europe and will almost certainly end in tears here. As Warren McKibbin warns, Euro-socialism is where Labor are taking us.

Costello belongs in Canberra. He may not miss it, but it misses him. Once, his self-appointed retirement would have been deemed an end to his political career, but the electorate has now been conditioned by Labor to expect the unexpected, with politics as flexible and as changeable as the most dog-eared, red-inked script of the silliest soap opera. In this day and age of celebrity fallibility and the confessional studio couch, Peter would be an instant hit with an “I made a terrible mistake – I never thought Labor could stuff it all up so badly” approach.

More importantly, Abbott needs Costello. Despite the Opposition’s consistent approval as economic managers in the opinion polls, it is clear that they are making heavy weather of their current predicament, having been successfully wedged by Labor on corporate tax cuts. The carbon tax wedge will be even worse, with Labor going all out to portray Abbott as the rich man’s buddy reaching into the working class pocket and stealing their “hard-earned” compensation packages.

The fact that Labor have so brazenly, yet successfully, spun the idea of a Liberal “$70 billion black hole” makes it all the more obvious why Costello must return. Costello found a genuine $96 billion hole left by Keating’s Labor government. Real money that had vanished into thin air. The similar-sounding ‘$70 billion black hole’ loudly proclaimed by the Labor front bench is smoke and mirrors. It is purely hypothetical. For Robb and Hockey to have fluffed this, and allowed the spin to remain, is unforgiveable. They are not up to the task.

Abbott as leader with Costello as shadow Treasurer would be a truly formidable combination.

Each ideologically-driven utterance that Labor makes on the economy is not only an affront to Costello, it’s an insult to every hard-working, productive Australian. It’s time we all woke up.

THIRTY YEARS LATER (Fin Review Jan 7)

Cabinet documents released yesterday have reignited the bitter feud between Julia Gillard and her former colleagues as to who can lay claim to the many policy decisions taken during the turbulent Rudd/Gillard/Rudd/Shorten/Combet government thirty years ago.

"Kevin's a dear friend of mine and I'm not going to get into some slanging match about trivial events that occurred so long ago, but the carbon tax was all his idea," said a defiant Ms Gillard, speaking to reporters outside her lakeside apartment as Canberrans shivered through their coldest summer on record. "I made it very clear to everybody at the time that there would be no such tax under any government I led. Yes, I was forced to change my mind, but that was Bob Brown’s fault."

But her former Treasurer Wayne Swan, enjoying a summer skiing trip in the Gold Coast hinterland, sees it differently. "What you have to remember is that all the Treasury advice at the time was that climate change gave us the perfect excuse to, er, make the numbers stack up again. How else was I going to balance the books after Rudd went and blew a perfectly good surplus?"

Former PM Rudd, questioned at his own lakeside home on the outskirts of Geneva where he has just reappointed himself to another five year term as UN Secretary General, was quick to dismiss the assertions as mischievous scuttlebutt from a bunch of "pretty crook cobbers." "The record shows quite clearly I had nothing at all to do with any of it. When I spoke of a great moral challenge I was not speaking of any detailed programmatic specificity, but rather, merely articulating a widely held and popular point of view. Let's not forget - am I the guy who said sorry to the indigenous population of Australia? Yes. And am I the humble kid from Eumundi Plains who in my first term as Secretary General of the World apologized to the Inuits, the Aztecs, the Armenians, and the Orang Asli? You bet.”

Former PM Shorten takes an altogether different view.

"Basically, when the shit hit the fan and the country ground to a halt in the Winter of Discontent let's not forget I was the go-to guy who the party turned to. And I massively increased productivity almost overnight by repealing the carbon tax, repealing the mining tax, and introducing Fair Work Choices.”

Former PM Greg Combet laughs dismissively at any suggestion that Shorten’s short tenure as PM in the last two weeks of August 2014 had any impact whatsoever on the country’s economic health: “The papers clearly show that it was under my leadership that we introduced the Super Profits Tax, the Medium Profits Tax, the Tiny Profits Tax and the No Profits Whatsoever Tax. These were all key Labor economic reforms that transformed the way we do, er, I mean did, business in this country.”

However, Julia Gillard is adamant the records prove she was the key Prime Minister of the period. “My revolutionary Open Borders Policy was a huge success, ushering in a new era of vibrant and colorful Islamic culture into all aspects of Australian life.” But when questioned about the rumours of mass drownings taking place at sea during that era, Gillard is unequivocal. “Yes, but they were all Tony Abbot’s fault.”

Speaking from his tour bus on the Short Memories Anniversary Tour, Midnight Oil lead singer Peter Garrett called the release of the cabinet minutes "one of the greatest travesties of misinformation ever perpetrated upon the Australian people.” Mr Garrett, quivering with outrage and indignation, claimed: “When they said they were going to start digging up uranium and selling it willy nilly to the Indians I stomped my foot really hard underneath the cabinet table. And when they said they were giving the nod to basing more U.S. forces in Darwin I banged my fist really loudly on the table. Or it might have been the palm of my hand. But there's no mention of my steadfast opposition to both those thingies anywhere in any of the minutes.”

Of the mass-closure and bankruptcy of pubs and clubs throughout 2013 highlighted in the papers, Ms Gillard is unequivocal: “Yes, but that was all Andrew Willkie’s fault.”

Speaking via Wireless Hologram from his farm in Tasmania, former communications minister Conroy defended the blowouts of over two hundred billion dollars on the abandoned NBN as a tiny blip of no consequence whatsoever in the bigger picture of the government’s key economic platforms.

Penny Wong, currently President of the Gays Against Unfair Alimony Laws, said that gay marriage was one of the proudest legacies of her time in government.

In other news today, police hunting fugitive Malcolm Naden in bush north of the Barrington Tops say they are getting "very close."




LAUGHING UNDERWATER (Spectator leader Nov 18)

Perhaps they should include the video for Sexy and I Know it, by LMFAO, in GetUp’s 2050 “carbon tax” time capsule. This current chart-topping hit features a bunch of young men in their undies wiggling their tackle around, and will tell future generations all they need to know about the value of the contemporary popular music scene.

Also waggling their tackle around, metaphorically speaking, are Wayne Swan, John Hewson, Bob Brown and, er, Penny Wong, who have all agreed to “be a part of history” by contributing their very own “letter to future generations” to be sealed in GetUp’s time capsule to prove they “cared enough to speak up in an era when fear and cowardice almost won the day.” You don’t have to hang around to 2050 to imagine the earnest and unctuous words they, and others, will have penned. The air of self-righteous smugness will no doubt be as fresh as a daisy when the capsule is finally popped opened in the Museum of Australian Democracy thirty nine years hence.

Time capsules cut both ways. Although there is a faint possibility the Museum will be under water by then, there is a far greater likelihood that the prophesiers of doom will by 2050 have been shown to have exaggerated the scientific hypothesis of human-induced climate change in order to justify a reckless tax, and that without drastic and economically-suicidal actions by China, the US, India and others, the Gillard government’s carbon tax will be acknowledged as having been deceptive, unnecessarily expensive and utterly futile.

“Well at least we did something,” or “we thought we were doing the right thing” will be the awkward justifications when, and if, anybody ever bothers to open GetUp’s latest gimmick. Hopefully they include the aforementioned hit single. It might, in the end, be less embarrassing than everything else in the capsule.