BOB DOES A BOB

There was something unsettling about watching Bob Brown ask Bob Carr his first questions in the Senate several weeks ago, but it only became apparent why it was such a creepy experience with Brown's abrupt resignation last week. The reason, of course, is that these two characters are so similar. It was like Tweedle-di-dee criticizing Tweedle-di-dum. Like B1 having a go at B2. Or Herge’s Thompson and Thomson trying to outfox each other. Oddly unconvincing. So it came as no surprise that Bob-with-a-B decided to exit the political fray in precisely the same manner as Bob-with-a-C so deftly did all those years ago. Brown’s departure uncannily mirror’s Carr’s. Bob did a Bob.

The key to successfully doing a Bob is accurately gauging “the tipping point” (no, not that one) that occurs in all political stories. This is the moment just before the chickens come home to roost; where your achievements have yet to be recognized as hollow, self-serving shams that have done far more to harm the economic well-being of your electorate than any possible long-term good. If you jump at the right time the failures that you have instigated will be sheeted home to one – or indeed all - of your hapless successors. Doing a Bob requires a sense of timing as acute as that of any actor or sportsman. Nail it, and your threadbare achievements will be eulogized and your numerous errors glossed over, leaving a glowing legacy that you can put to good use while the electorate pick up the hefty bill.

Not surprisingly, both Bob's share many of the same physical and political traits, which they have used as powerful tools in their respective careers. Their height, the deep voices and the ramrod stance have given them both an air of statesman-like gravitas that their policies belied. The well-honed soundbites and attempts at humour have seen them both labeled as "good communicators." Yet both are awkwardly unfunny. Think of Carr’s tortuous “cheap hypnotist” routine, delivered in poor taste at a press conference on the Afghanistan massacre, or Brown’s “here comes the washing up” shtick. Strangely, their deadpan expressions, ponderous pontifications, quirky obsessions have been confused by fans as “charisma” or “intellect.” Neither man has ever shown any understanding of the hum-drum concerns of average working men and women, or the tedious nuts and bolts of a functioning infrastructure that the vast majority of the population rely upon for a satisfactory existence. Rather, the two Bob’s like to imagine themselves as out-of-this-world figures, saving the oceans and, of course, the planet. Alien civilisations, on this earth and elsewhere, are of great concern to them both. Bob’s role as a peacemaker in the centuries-old schism with Islam is only matched in self-delusional silliness by Bob’s role as intergalactic seer. The United Nations is the latest hobby of one, whilst a One World Parliament and expanding the Greens into Africa are the fantasies of the other.

When doing a Bob make sure you leave a crippling tax or two in place after you’re gone. For Carr it was the land and payroll taxes, which milked the boom years and have hampered NSW productivity ever since. Brown, of course, has gone much bigger. Interestingly, when you successfully do a Bob you yourself can side-step the irksome imposts you have inflicted upon everyone else. Carr quickly bought his second home in New Zealand, out of reach of his own Treasury, whilst if Brown pursues his global dreams, they’ll be unburdened by his own carbon price.

Both Bobs hate dams. Bob Brown’s saving of the Franklin may be the shiny spot on his CV, but it led to the demonizing of dams in this country, with hugely adverse effects on farming, industry and clean energy generation. Bob Carr was responsible for killing off the Welcome Reef dam, thereby condemning Sydney to water shortages and the farcical two billion-dollars wasted on the Kurnell desalination plant. Both Bobs have saved a lot of trees, but at a significant cost, with the Greens agenda and Carr’s own national parks leading to increased bushfire hazards and, obviously, unemployment.

In order to do a Bob, you must make your decision to step down appears spontaneous and unplanned. For Carr, it was “over a bottle of Chardonnay” that he chose to “spend more time with my wife” and get “more recreation.” "I've got no plans, no job offers," he claimed, only to quickly snaffle up a lucrative job offer from Macquarie Bank.

For Brown, it was “during a trip to Africa” that he decided he needed to “get out more with Paul” for “bushwalking and photography.”

Catching the commentariat and press gallery unawares allows you to write your own legacy. "This has been a solid chapter in the Australian story,” claimed Carr, “the Olympics, the environment, the massive capital works, the focus on education, comforting the families of the Bali victims and (securing) NSW against such an attack.” Er, if you say so, Bob.

Brown boasts of “fairly taxing the resources boom and carbon polluters, to uniquely enable (funding) of a national disabilities insurance scheme, the Gonski education reforms, Denticare, renewable energy businesses, (and) a High Speed Rail linking our major cities.” Really? We shall see.

The good thing about doing a Bob is that what politically occurs after you’re gone is irrelevant. If your less-talented colleagues start fighting amongst themselves, it only makes you look better. If they do badly in the next election – which by definition they will - it only makes your wins more impressive. Which is, of course, the key point in doing a Bob. What this apparently selfless and generous tactic enables you to do is to go out never having been voted out, thereby setting yourself up for the inevitable heroic comeback further down the track, preferably straight into a cushy job of your own choosing at the taxpayers expense that offers you a chance to indulge your fantasies on a far grander stage.

Want the world at your feet? Do a Bob.

WHEN FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION (Spectator leader April 20)

"All political lives… end in failure." Not so. We are delighted to say that in Australia there are a few notable exceptions to this rule. Bob Brown is to be congratulated for joining Bob Menzies  in defying Enoch Powell’s iron-clad law of political survival by resigning, like them, at the peak of his powers. Knowing when to jump is the one sure way of ensuring a satisfactory political legacy in these treacherous days of Prime Ministers being stabbed in the back by their own parties, or being unceremoniously bundled out of parliament by their own constituents.

Although Bob Brown never made it to PM, he came as close as a minority party leader ever can. Uncomfortably close, as the country is about to learn with the introduction of the unpopular carbon tax, the pointless mining tax, and whatever other rotting bones Wayne Swan intends to throw to the rabid Greens in his imminent “back to surplus” budget.

Less than three hours after our editorial last week had hit the newsstands – in which we called for the mainstream media to take a closer look at the more extreme and damaging aspects of Brown’s ideology - the Senator had run up the white flag and decided to call it quits. We’d love to take the credit, but the more likely explanation is that Brown, having sifted through the entrails of the Queensland election, realized that the Greens have peaked and its downhill from here on in. The threat from Katter in the senate and unwavering polls pointing to a Coalition victory would have been ringing in his ears as much as the pleas from his partner for them to spend more time together. Clearly, Brown has no desire to be branded a failure.

Enoch Powell and Robert Menzies would be impressed.

ANOTHER GREEN WORLD (Spectator leader April 13)

It’s time that Australians took a long hard look at the man whose science fiction fantasies are tampering with our pay packets. From July 1st, Australia’s economic wellbeing and financial prospects are beholden to the delusional whims of a man who, it would appear, is clearly a few trees short of an old-growth forest. Bob Brown’s ravings at a town hall packed with fellow “Earthians”, where he laid out his plans for a Global parliament (in which an Australian representative would have about as much clout as a Green in Campbell Newman’s Queensland) at the same time as lamenting the extinction of extra-terrestrials due to climate change (yep, seriously) would be disturbing if they were from some fringe activist or obscure backbencher but are beyond alarming when they come from our de facto Deputy PM.

Make no mistake; there would be no $23 a tonne carbon tax under this government if Bob Brown hadn’t insisted on it. Yet in all the acres of analysis of climate change, endless editorials and opinion pieces selling or deriding the carbon tax, the talkback, the adverts, the rallies and the convoys, any in-depth analysis of Bob Brown’s ideology, track record and personal beliefs is virtually non-existent. It’s as if as a nation we embraced Dianetics without bothering to check out L. Ron Hubbard.

Although it is tempting simply to laugh at him, a harmless clown he is not. Apart from Gerard Henderson, Chris Uhlmann, Miranda Devine, Andrew Bolt and (in this issue) Peter Costello, our mainstream media – perhaps intimidated by Brown’s hysterical “hate-media” campaign, or simply taken in by the Green’s phony morality - refuses to scrutinize this dangerous politician and his anti-productive, anti-growth ideas. It’s time Australians took a closer look at Bob Brown before he takes us all to La La Land.

GINA

 http://www.afr.com/p/opinion/never_mind_the_greens_here_gina_a6hzwAxmosqMje9oAT6EpO

News that Australia's richest woman, mining magnate Gina Rinehart, has moved to gain a majority share in Fairfax has sent shockwaves of anger and suspicion throughout the commentariat.

Acting Green’s Leader Christine Milne was quick to express her dismay. “This is a national scandal. If you have a couple of people using newspapers as a mouthpiece, that is a real problem. For years, we in the Greens have had a total monopoly on all discussion about climate change and the long-overdue, successful and hugely popular implementation of the much-loved carbon tax, which is going to solve the global problem of an overheating planet that we daily see all around us destroying the lives of millions of people and obliterating entire species as massively populated islands disappear beneath the waves before our very eyes. The last thing a democratic, vibrant and free press needs is someone who disagrees with us."

Recently returned from her “Rehabilitation and Re-programming Retreat” on the shores of the Volga, fellow Greens senator Lee Rhiannonovski went even further. “For years, we have had a direct conduit to the oppressed, latte sipping masses of the inner cities thanks to our close ties with certain sections of the Fairfax media,” she said. “The idea that this should be put in jeopardy by someone who represents hard-working, successful Australian entrepreneurs and members of the capitalist conspiracy to give people jobs and keep our economy strong is an absolute betrayal of everything we believe in.” As she was whisked away in her government limo to attend a taxpayer-funded banquet at Marrickville Town Hall in honour of the brave Boycotters of Max Brenner, the Senator made it clear that she would not sit idly by and watch greedy, self-interested minority groups try and influence the mainstream press.

Breaking his self-imposed vow of silence from a cave on Cradle Mountain, reclusive hermit Bob Brown was in full agreement. “There is only so much hate media that a sane person can put up with. There is a real danger that this nation will now be lumbered with even more hate media to, er, hate.”

Defending the move, popular comeback kid Kevin Rudd was keen to point out that he completely disagreed with his parliamentary colleagues. ““Can I just say this? I am proud that there are many hugely successful and well rounded women billionairesses who have made their mark in this country, and I think it is about time we had one of them running my local newspaper.”

But his comments found little favour with the rest of the cabinet. Prime Minister Julia Gillard sounded a note of caution. “What I am doing is building a new economy, which means it will be nothing like the old economy. So if people think they do whatever they like just because they know how to turn a decent profit in the old economy then they’d better think again. In my new economy, thanks to the mining tax, the carbon tax, Fair Work Australia, the unions, the abolition of the Australian Building and Construction Commission and the squillions blown on the NBN there won’t be any profits left for anyone to make. Gina included.”

Echoing his leader’s comments, Wayne Swan was keen to point out to reporters that the budget would definitely be returning to surplus in 2012-13. “What people like Gina must understand is that she may have a surplus $200 million to splash around pretending to be a media mogul, but she’s not the only one with a surplus. Courtesy of my brilliant skills – recognized globally – as the World’s Greatest Treasurer I intend to have the budget back in the black by at the end of May at the absolute latest. Hopefully to the tune of at east $76.32 cents.”

Speaking from New England, where he was attending the opening of the latest Philippe Starck designed and marble-floored wing of the Tamworth hospital – the visitor’s waiting room - Independent MP Tony Windsor was dismissive of the sums involved. “$200 million is, quite frankly, pocket money compared to the vast amounts I and my electorate have recently, er, pocketed,” he said, cutting the pure silk ribbon with a pair of diamond-encrusted platinum-plated scissors.

“There is nothing wrong with this at all,” agreed Senator Stephen Conroy. “With any luck, I may also be able to persuade Gina to personally invest in the NBN, which would bring the number of our subscribers up to four thousand and one.”

Stephen Mayne, of Crikey fame, was quick to sound a note of alarm. “The idea that anyone can just come along and set up their own media outlet is an affront to all we journos,” he said.

In other news today, shares in Andrew Bolt went through the roof.

ON THE NOSE IN DOWNTOWN CANBERRA (Fin Review Jan 12)

New arrivals to parliament need to be better taught how to fit in, particularly as regards such issues as personal hygiene and joining the queue, according to Liberal backbencher Teresa Gambaro.

"Some members of the government have a distinct whiff about them, which, to say the least, is not all that pleasant. Take the member for Dobell, for instance. He hasn't been around long enough to learn any common courtesy. He should have left his dirty laundry in the smoky backrooms and bordellos of the HSU rather than dragging it in here to stink the place out."

Ms Gambaro's remarks have caused a storm of outrage within the corridors beneath Capital Hill. Recently promoted Speaker-of-the-House Peter Slipper was one who immediately took umbrage at her insinuation that he had queue-hopped. "I waited very patiently for months on end until such time as Harry Jenkins was finally knifed in the back and bundled onto the back benches. Then of course I was able to hop straight in, roll up my sleeves and get to work," he said, speaking from his new yacht in the Whitsundays. "As for fitting in with my co-workers, I feel perfectly at home sitting down for a long lunch with my new Labor Party colleagues."

Minister for Climate Change and All Sorts of Other Stuff Greg Combet was equally contemptuous of her remarks. “It’s well known that I have been politely waiting in a queue for several years now, without once complaining or ever raising my voice, behind both Kevin and Julia. But I have no doubt that my turn is coming up very soon now.”

However, Ms Gambaro has found some support for her criticisms of personal hygiene from unlikely quarters. Former PM Kevin Rudd was quick to point out that although the Heiner affair had threatened to hang around him like a bad smell for a couple of years he was able to get rid of it by taking a few simple precautionary steps, such as denying any wrong-doing whatsoever and shredding anything that could be construed as an incriminating document. Picking some wax out of his ear and eating it, Rudd went on to say that he saw “nothing wrong at all” with his personal habits.

Elder statesman John Faulkner was quick to offer some timely advice. "Yes, indeed, there is a rather toxic odour wafting around the joint that we have to all face up to. It's not any one individual. Rather, it emanates from the rotting carcass that is today's Labor Party. We need to rebuild it from the ground up. That's the only way to get rid of the stench." Standing behind him with their noses pegged, both Bob Carr and Steve Bracks reminded reporters that the nasty pong had nothing to do with either of them.

Tony Abbott, himself no stranger to the post-workout anti-perspirant, was quick to defend his citizenship spokeswoman’s comments. "Um, ah, different people have different lifestyles, and, ah, um, come from very different cultures. In fact, ah, one of my co-workers, Malcolm, struggles to fit in at all but, um, for some reason we still tolerate having him around." Sitting all alone by himself in the canteen, Malcolm fretfully admitted that deep down he longed to return to his natural birthplace, the left side of the political divide, from whence he’d fled many years earlier. “I’ve had a sniff around but they won’t let me back in,” he lamented.

Speaking from their adjacent New England electorates, former loners and outsiders Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor were unapologetic. "We both found it very easy to fit in, once Julia made it clear we could have as many billions of dollars as we wanted. Nothing smelly about that whatsoever."

Sweating profusely, Chris Bowen was quick to seize on the comments as a personal affront. "The only reason I sweat so much is nothing whatsoever to do with deodorant or a lack thereof," he said, his red face glistening under the harsh light of the TV cameras. "It’s because I feel acutely embarrassed about what a disastrous job we've done." Standing stiffly behind him, Senator Conroy, a British immigrant, admitted that he still had problems adapting to some of the more outlandish Australian cultural norms. “Back in the old country we never bothered with such ridiculous rituals as a cost benefit analysis or a sound business model.”

But Green’s leader Bob Brown was unfazed by the controversy. "Everything around here smells pretty sweet to me. I get my own way on pretty much whatever I want and I only got 11% of the vote."

Julia Gillard was unavailable for comment, although rumours have it that some time in March she'll be taking a bath.      

LAUGHING UNDERWATER (Spectator leader Nov 18)

Perhaps they should include the video for Sexy and I Know it, by LMFAO, in GetUp’s 2050 “carbon tax” time capsule. This current chart-topping hit features a bunch of young men in their undies wiggling their tackle around, and will tell future generations all they need to know about the value of the contemporary popular music scene.

Also waggling their tackle around, metaphorically speaking, are Wayne Swan, John Hewson, Bob Brown and, er, Penny Wong, who have all agreed to “be a part of history” by contributing their very own “letter to future generations” to be sealed in GetUp’s time capsule to prove they “cared enough to speak up in an era when fear and cowardice almost won the day.” You don’t have to hang around to 2050 to imagine the earnest and unctuous words they, and others, will have penned. The air of self-righteous smugness will no doubt be as fresh as a daisy when the capsule is finally popped opened in the Museum of Australian Democracy thirty nine years hence.

Time capsules cut both ways. Although there is a faint possibility the Museum will be under water by then, there is a far greater likelihood that the prophesiers of doom will by 2050 have been shown to have exaggerated the scientific hypothesis of human-induced climate change in order to justify a reckless tax, and that without drastic and economically-suicidal actions by China, the US, India and others, the Gillard government’s carbon tax will be acknowledged as having been deceptive, unnecessarily expensive and utterly futile.

“Well at least we did something,” or “we thought we were doing the right thing” will be the awkward justifications when, and if, anybody ever bothers to open GetUp’s latest gimmick. Hopefully they include the aforementioned hit single. It might, in the end, be less embarrassing than everything else in the capsule.