Fed up with a
democratic process that questions your every move and challenges your every
ideological assumption? Despair no more. Democracy may be a finely-honed,
intricate and complex mechanism that has been put together over thousands of
years, but there’s still no reason why you can’t pull it to pieces; just follow
this handy step-by-step guide.
1. The key structural component of any
democracy is capitalism, or rather, the process whereby individuals can harness
their own skills, talents, desires and ambitions in order to improve their lot
in life. In order to dismantle democracy, you must first switch off the
capitalist power supply. There are a number of safe and proven ways to do this:
The “Fanny”: Cleverly perfected by the immensely talented innovator
William J. Clinton, this simple procedure will almost certainly bring your
country’s capitalist economy to a grinding halt. Firstly, put in place
legislation that requires mortgage lenders to lend money to people who have
absolutely no means of repaying it. Secondly, ensure that there is no penalty
for defaulting on your mortgage, allowing people to simply pack up and walk
away from properties they can no longer afford. Thirdly, allow government
accreditation of mortgage lenders purely on the basis of the number of such
loans they are prepared to hand out. Leave to simmer for about a decade or so,
then sit back and watch the entire apparatus collapse in a heap.
The “Brussel Sprout”: Success
has many fathers, and this elaborately cunning process is no exception. With
special commendation going to H. Kohl, F. Mitterand, J. Delors, T. Blair and
numerous other inventive and dedicated individuals, this scheme involves a
lengthy “hoodwinking” period, during which the people of a variety of utterly
incompatible and dysfunctional economies are ensured that tipping all their
odorous economic ingredients into one big melting pot will create a magic
pudding of peace, harmony and unending wealth. Crucially, any sceptics who
question the wisdom of such a recipe must be labeled “radicals”, “hardliners”
and even “fools” by the press of the day.
The “Brewster” (aka the ‘Swan Dive’): In extremely rare circumstances, you
may find you have inherited a large amount of money due to the frugality and
caution of your predecessor. If so, it is obligatory that – as in the John
Candy comedy ‘Brewster’s Millions’ – you blow the entire lot in as little time
as possible. Soon you will be safely back in debt.
2. Well done. Now that you’ve
successfully thrown a spanner into the capitalist works, it is crucial that you
repeatedly reinforce the negative connotations associated with it. Some
suggestions:
Pen an essay, as did Kevin Rudd, claiming
that “it now falls to social democracy to prevent liberal capitalism from
cannibalising itself.” Express sympathy, as did Ed Millaband, for
the goals of the ‘Occupy’ movement, emphasizing the need
to “rid the country of irresponsible, predatory capitalism." With any
luck, you should soon be hearing, from respected writers such as the Sydney
Morning Herald’s Jessica Irving, that “If we want (market) fairness, we have to
demand it of our governments.”
3. Congratulations.
You have now successfully unhitched capitalism from democracy in the public’s
mind, so you can start embellishing your own role. The following steps can be
taken in any order:
Find a cause. Ideally,
one that requires massive government taxation and involves a ‘doomsday’ threat
for people to get passionate about. Traditionally, wars and crusades have
proven popular, but why not be more imaginative? Nowadays apocalyptic scenarios
can be conjured up out of anything from Y2K viruses to a 12th
century imam sitting at the bottom of a well – or even polar bears scurrying
off ice floes.
Bloat your public
service. If people rely on you for a living, they are hardly going to want to
get rid of you.
Strengthen your
unions. Get the public used to the idea that faceless men and back room
deals, as opposed to the ballot box, will decide who runs the country.
Rewrite history.
Wherever possible, airbrush your opponents out of the picture.
Open your borders.
Nothing undermines democracy faster than replacing controlled immigration with
chaos and confusion.
Reduce individual
wealth. Find a handy and oblique euphemism (we recommend ‘quantative easing’ or
‘expansionary monetary policy’) for printing as much dosh for yourself as you
want. Then spend it. Fast. Alternatively, just keep borrowing lots of money. (China’s
usually good for a touch-up, but remember to call it a ‘stimulus package.’)
Redistribute the loot. With
capitalism on the ropes, now is the perfect opportunity to ramp up those taxes
on profitable companies and splash out the money bribing, er, ‘compensating’ the
great unwashed.
4. Don’t
forget – you need to start ignoring the electorate’s wishes and begin imposing
your own ideology upon them. If you’re floundering, why not form a coalition
and borrow someone else’s whacko beliefs? Remember, nothing thwarts the will of
the voting population more than when the ruling party throws in their lot with
a group of self-serving, hypocritical, unmandated Independents, Greens,
religious fanatics or whatever. This allows government to waste time and money on
fringe issues, elitist lobby groups, nanny-state opinionists and so on, thereby
removing the need to stick to any actual election promises. (Warning: if your coalition
looks like coming unstuck, quickly purchase a Speaker. Any old one will do.)
5. You’re
almost there! For the final flourish, get a few disgruntled fellow-travellers
to come up with some “alternative ideas” to “improve” democracy. These could
include government by lottery, or even better, government by appointment of
“interested parties” and “academic experts.” Make sure you give them lots of
fancy names. And while you’re at it, polish up your own sales pitch. Ensure
that whatever you promise the electorate is actually devoid of any credible
meaning. Stuck for ideas? Be brave. Try something really inane, like “moving
forward”, “say yes to the future” or even “we are us.”
Well done! Have fun and enjoy your dismantled democracy for years to
come.
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