Tuesday, 13 March 2012


A leaked video of Kevin Rudd’s resignation speech has found its way onto the internet, believed to have been posted by none other than the former Foreign Minister himself.
Kevin Rudd: “Ah mate, this is just impossible. (Winces.) I get to the very end of dinner and I’m explaining to Ban Ki Moon that he has my absolute full and total support and that I in no way intend to challenge him for his job as Secretary General of the United Nations, which he is getting on with while I am getting on with mine because honestly I’m perfectly content being both Prime Minister-in- Waiting and Foreign Minister of Australia and then, strike me dead, I’ve got to zip over to the f--king Willard hotel in the middle of the night and… (lifts hands in exasperation)… make a resignation speech before they go and sack me! (Shakes head and looks away from camera, then takes a deep breath.) All because of these f--king hopeless time zone differences! I mean what f--kwit ever dreamt that one up? How f--king inconsiderate! (Takes a long slow sip of water, then mutters off camera.) Mate, can you tell these dickheads in the embassy to just give me a simple backdrop, something plain and unobtrusive, not this gold flock wallpaper, I’ve said this before, tell that bloody seppo that… Aarrrgghh this f--king language! You ask for a plain, simple, unobtrusive backdrop with a nice Aussie flag so I look like a normal, happy little vegemite coz you know something that’s exactly what I am and… and… those faceless men on Reception go and stick me in the bloody George Washington Honeymoon Suite with all these fancy gold patterns and swirls and floral motifs and it just complicates it SO MUCH, you know, how can anyone do this to me? I’m human like anyone else, aren’t I? (Winces again, as if fighting back the tears.) All the other rooms are shut up for the night and I can’t even get into my own room coz I can’t work that STUPID electronic swipe key! It might be easy for you to sit there and say it’s easy to do but let me tell you mate it isn’t!! (Shakes his head from side to side, moaning, as if suffering from hemorrhoids.) Nnnggghhh! (Sits up straight and stares at the camera for several seconds, not blinking.) Honestly? It’s time for some plain speaking here; the simple truth is I cannot be expected to carry out my stealth campaign against the Prime Minister if she’s going to sack me. I just think it’s pretty sad for everybody when a soon-to-be-former leader of our party behaves in this way. I sat up for three days and three nights with twenty PR advisers from around the world to work out how to persuade those ratf—kers in the Labor Party who fancy keeping their f—king jobs to just hurry up and draft me back and… It’s just you know, this is becoming hopeless! (Whacks table.) Because I am absolutely passionate about… I’ve been frustrated domestically, I’ve been frustrated politically by the lack of progress in my triumphant return to the Lodge but I will not be deterred and I will progress this matter and I will achieve the best possible means of bringing down this government. (Sighs and picks up a glass of water, then mutters off camera again.) Tell them to cancel my 6 o’clock brekky with Barrack Obama you know I just don’t have the f--king patience to do that – is this a f--king Chinese interior decorator here or what? (Stares at wallpaper.) Just f--king hopeless… (Grimaces.) And the bottom line is this… the bottom line is this… let me tell you this mate… there is no way I can be expected to stare in the mirror in the future and say ‘K-Rudd you passed up the core opportunity to get your old job back as the President… ‘ (Slams fist down on the desk, sending glass of water flying.) Aarggh! I f--ked up the last word…"
Meanwhile, Julia Gillard has denied that members of her staff have been working for at least the last two weeks on a secret acceptance speech. “I am not surprised that whether its people in my office or people more broadly in the Labor Party who are casting in their mind where circumstances might get to, but does that mean I know about it? Of course not,” said the Prime Minister.
In the speech she accepts that she has lost her job and accepts that Stephen Smith has taken over.

No comments:

Post a Comment