Tuesday, 13 March 2012


As flood waters again swamp New South Wales, Prime Minister Julia Gillard – looking particularly fetching in an attractive grey top and black trousers – was welcomed by grateful members of relieved working families along the banks of the Murrumbidgee.

Reminding those affected by the floods that the ravages of climate change are now being felt throughout the land on a daily basis, Ms Gillard, accompanied by her popular partner Tim Mathieson, helped air-lift food to a group of grateful kiddies frolicking on top of their house.

“We will fight climate change on the disappearing beaches and from every submerged rooftop, and I’ll raise the carbon price to $75 a tonne if I have to until these waters recede,” the Prime Minister promised, to loud applause.

“Thanks to the superbly profitable and educational National Broadband Network, these children will now be able to move forward, despite the floods, and enjoy the privilege of our educational revolution, which has been spear-headed by the popular and successful Gonski reforms, currently being implemented in every school throughout the country, except those private schools run by greedy, self-interested vested interests,” said the Prime Minister, as she brushed off rumours of a recent Newspoll. “As you know, polls come and go. Newspoll, in particular, went a long time ago when the Murdoch press sank without a trace, so we don’t have to trouble ourselves with hypothetical speculation about what it may or may not have contained because it doesn’t exist anymore.”

The Prime Minister was quick to point out that the floods were entirely due to the irresponsible negativity of long-term Opposition Leader Tony Abbott. “Not only is the mining boom responsible for the devastation wrought by our two-speed economy, with disgustingly overweight mining tycoons carrying on willy nilly gorging themselves on the fat of the land while working families battle the floods, but Tony Abbott himself continually attempts to create a two-speed democracy, where he disgracefully disagrees with everything the Australian people want me to get on with doing.”

Insurance companies that had refused to compensate for what they called an “Act of God” were angrily rounded on by the popular Prime Minister, who accurately pointed out that: “Climate change is an Act of Man. One man in particular. Tony Abbott; who has done everything in his power to destroy the lives of working families up and down this river with his attitude to the important reforms introduced by my government.”

In other critical national developments, Mr Jeff Lawrence has stood down as secretary of the ACTU, confirming to reporters what had long been the subject of industry concern; that an in-grown toenail was severely disrupting his ability to successfully do his job of improving the lives of working Australians. He then strongly recommended that the supremely talented Mr Dave Oliver of the hard-working Australian Manufacturing Workers Union replace him. So he will.
Meanwhile, responding to criticism of Fair Work Australia’s reasonable and sensible work practices, popular chief Bernadette O’Neill explained that as a Union Official she had a duty of care to her membership to avoid co-operating with interfering police officers, according to accepted community expectations and long-standing practices that the Trade Unions movement and FWA are above the law. “How can we help honest hard working Australians such as Craig Thomson prove that they’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever when the police keep butting in every five minutes? It’s a disgrace, and someone, preferably Tony Abbott, needs to be held to account.”

In Canberra later today, eminent QC Ray Finkelstein will accept the nation’s gratitude for services to raising Australian journalistic standards at a ceremony presided over by respected Senator Stephen Conroy and broadcast live via the government’s popular fibre optic cable network.

In economic news, former Reserve Bank board member Warwick McKibbin, speaking publicly since the end of a six-month period of quiet contemplation and relaxation, has labelled Treasurer Wayne Swan as "incapable of making an error" and praised him for "single-handedly developing the fabric of good economic policy in Australia".

Treasurer Wayne Swan has been described by the Fin Review as “the most competent Treasurer since Jim Cairns.”

This article has been approved by the News Media Council.

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