There was something unsettling about watching Bob Brown ask Bob Carr
his first questions in the Senate several weeks ago, but it only became apparent
why it was such a creepy experience with Brown's abrupt resignation last week.
The reason, of course, is that these two characters are so similar. It was like
Tweedle-di-dee criticizing Tweedle-di-dum. Like B1 having a go at B2. Or Herge’s
Thompson and Thomson trying to outfox each other. Oddly unconvincing. So it
came as no surprise that Bob-with-a-B decided to exit the political fray in
precisely the same manner as Bob-with-a-C so deftly did all those years ago. Brown’s
departure uncannily mirror’s Carr’s. Bob did a Bob.
The key to successfully doing a Bob is accurately gauging “the
tipping point” (no, not that one) that occurs in all political stories. This is
the moment just before the chickens come home to roost; where your achievements
have yet to be recognized as hollow, self-serving shams that have done far more
to harm the economic well-being of your electorate than any possible long-term
good. If you jump at the right time the failures that you have instigated will
be sheeted home to one – or indeed all - of your hapless successors. Doing a
Bob requires a sense of timing as acute as that of any actor or sportsman. Nail
it, and your threadbare achievements will be eulogized and your numerous errors
glossed over, leaving a glowing legacy that you can put to good use while the
electorate pick up the hefty bill.
Not surprisingly, both Bob's share many of the same physical and
political traits, which they have used as powerful tools in their respective
careers. Their height, the deep voices and the ramrod stance have given them
both an air of statesman-like gravitas that their policies belied. The
well-honed soundbites and attempts at humour have seen them both labeled as
"good communicators." Yet both are awkwardly unfunny. Think of Carr’s
tortuous “cheap hypnotist” routine, delivered in poor taste at a press
conference on the Afghanistan massacre, or Brown’s “here comes the washing up”
shtick. Strangely, their deadpan expressions, ponderous pontifications, quirky obsessions
have been confused by fans as “charisma” or “intellect.” Neither man has ever
shown any understanding of the hum-drum concerns of average working men and
women, or the tedious nuts and bolts of a functioning infrastructure that the
vast majority of the population rely upon for a satisfactory existence. Rather,
the two Bob’s like to imagine themselves as out-of-this-world figures, saving
the oceans and, of course, the planet. Alien civilisations, on this earth and
elsewhere, are of great concern to them both. Bob’s role as a peacemaker in the
centuries-old schism with Islam is only matched in self-delusional silliness by
Bob’s role as intergalactic seer. The United Nations is the latest hobby of
one, whilst a One World Parliament and expanding the Greens into Africa are the
fantasies of the other.
When doing a Bob make sure you leave a crippling tax or two in place
after you’re gone. For Carr it was the land and payroll taxes, which milked the
boom years and have hampered NSW productivity ever since. Brown, of course, has
gone much bigger. Interestingly, when you successfully do a Bob you yourself can
side-step the irksome imposts you have inflicted upon everyone else. Carr
quickly bought his second home in New Zealand, out of reach of his own
Treasury, whilst if Brown pursues his global dreams, they’ll be unburdened by his
own carbon price.
Both Bobs hate dams. Bob Brown’s saving of the Franklin may be the
shiny spot on his CV, but it led to the demonizing of dams in this country, with
hugely adverse effects on farming, industry and clean energy generation. Bob
Carr was responsible for killing off the Welcome Reef dam, thereby condemning
Sydney to water shortages and the farcical two billion-dollars wasted on the Kurnell
desalination plant. Both Bobs have saved a lot of trees, but at a significant
cost, with the Greens agenda and Carr’s own national parks leading to increased
bushfire hazards and, obviously, unemployment.
In order to do a Bob, you must make your decision to step down appears
spontaneous and unplanned. For Carr, it was “over a bottle of Chardonnay” that
he chose to “spend more time with my wife” and get “more recreation.” "I've
got no plans, no job offers," he claimed, only to quickly snaffle up a
lucrative job offer from Macquarie Bank.
For Brown, it was “during a trip to Africa” that he decided he
needed to “get out more with Paul” for “bushwalking and photography.”
Catching the commentariat and press gallery unawares allows you to write
your own legacy. "This has been a solid chapter in
the Australian story,” claimed Carr, “the Olympics, the environment, the
massive capital works, the focus on education, comforting the families of the
Bali victims and (securing) NSW against such an attack.” Er, if you say so,
Bob.
Brown boasts of “fairly taxing the resources boom and
carbon polluters, to uniquely enable (funding) of a national disabilities
insurance scheme, the Gonski education reforms, Denticare, renewable energy
businesses, (and) a High Speed Rail linking our major cities.” Really? We shall
see.
The good thing about doing a Bob is that what politically occurs after
you’re gone is irrelevant. If your less-talented colleagues start fighting
amongst themselves, it only makes you look better. If they do badly in the next
election – which by definition they will - it only makes your wins more
impressive. Which is, of course, the key point in doing a Bob. What this apparently
selfless and generous tactic enables you to do is to go out never having been
voted out, thereby setting yourself up for the inevitable heroic comeback further
down the track, preferably straight into a cushy job of your own choosing at
the taxpayers expense that offers you a chance to indulge your fantasies on a
far grander stage.
Want the world at your feet? Do a Bob.
