Monday, 23 April 2012

ALPple and the iCarbon Tax (Fin Review March 30)

News flash. Canberra, July 2.

Political giant ALPPLE has been forced to offer refunds to the more that 26 million Australians who last night purchased the latest iCarbonTax following complaints from customers that they were misled.

“Naturally I’m devastated to learn that they lied about what it can do,” said one irate customer, local Glebe resident, environmental activist and rap artist Tre Hugga who queued for hours over the weekend to get in line for the latest must-have accessory for those who are keen to save the planet.

“I’ve bought every single ALPPLE product since the ground-breaking iKevin07 which I loved to death,” he said. “I didn’t even mind when they changed it to the iJulia after only a year or two, even though they were completely incompatible with each other. I even downloaded all the new software so I could move forward. Then they tried to bring back a new, smaller and less clunky iKevin but that never even got off the ground. And now this!”

The furore began over claims prominently displayed on the pack that the iCarbonTax would work on the international Global Warming network, helping to reduce carbon in the atmosphere and stopping the oceans from rising and threatening suburbs such as Newtown and St. Kilda.

“It turns out it doesn’t even do the basics,” said another disgruntled customer. “It might work in countries like America or China but the local version of the iCarbonTax does no such thing.”

A red-faced spokesperson for ALPPLE, who went by the name of Wayne but spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that when it came to tackling climate change the Australian version of the device was “next to useless.”

“The Global Warming tag comes from the international advertising campaign, and has no relevance in such a tiny market as Australia, where even if you removed every single ounce of carbon from the atmosphere it would still account for only 1% of global output. We understand that consumers may be disappointed to find out that they’ve bought something that doesn’t work, but that’s hardly our problem. Besides which, with all the money we’re making out of this new product we intend to invest billions in such exciting innovations as our new iWindTurbine.”

A spokesperson for consumer group NoChoice said that “most consumers going about their daily business would assume that because they are now paying through the nose for all sorts of things, the iCarbonTax is actually doing something worthwhile. However, we can find no evidence to suggest that it is having any impact on the climate whatsoever.”

Critics have often pointed out that ALPPLE has a long history of products (and leaders) that quickly run out of power. When queried on how long it would be before any of the so-called iRenewables range would be capable of providing base-load electricity, Wayne explained that he had another urgent press conference to attend to announce another major innovation.

“It’s not like we’re standing still. I am pleased to announce today the iSurplus – so called because it is I who have made it possible. The iSurplus means that we can go on spending as much money as we want to on anything that springs to mind. It’s not for nothing that Euromoney magazine put me on the front cover of their magazine. Along with my other innovations, such as the iMiningTax, it’s no wonder they named the Genius bar after me.”

Wayne also explained that ALPPLE were giving “compensation vouchers” to everybody who had purchased the latest device but felt unhappy about the exorbitant price tag. “These vouchers are incredibly important in terms of reforming our economy, and means working families can rush out and spend as much money as they like on flat screen TV’s and computer games. Or holidays to Bali.”

When asked why ALPPLE had been recently forced to downsize its Queensland operation, Wayne was quick to remind reporters that that was purely a local matter for local retailers, and nothing to do with him.

“Just because some people in other states have switched brands doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with ALPPLE at a national level. Besides which, I may remind consumers that all the recent problems we’ve encountered, such as the failed iMalaysianSolution, are nothing to do with us whatsoever. They are all Tony Abbott’s fault.”

But ALPPLE aficionado and keen blogger Steve No-More Jobs was quick to point out that such distinctions were irrelevant. “The new iCarbonTax is designed to make the consumer feel good simply because they have one. Yes, it’s ridiculously expensive and incredibly difficult to operate but having one of these things tucked into your pocket feels a lot better than not having one. Plus it gives the user a warm and fuzzy feeling all over every time they use it.”

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