Finally, Labor has come up with an inspired solution for all the vexed issues that plague our nation. Gay marriage. The wide-ranging advantages that will stem from this momentous decision should be plain for all to see.
Take climate change. By far the majority of gay couples remain childless – despite the occasional Elton John style arrangement - thereby relieving the planet of the burdensome carbon footprint of all those horrible toddlers, the ghastly SUV’s required to chauffeur them around, and the carbon-emitting farting fast food farm animals needed to feed them. The goddess Gaia will undoubtedly breathe a sigh of relief. Indeed, who’s to say she and her ‘friend’ Mother Nature don’t intend to take advantage themselves of the new platform?
Similarly, gay marriage should put an abrupt halt to the ever-growing influx of asylum-seekers. Forget all the kerfuffle about where to process them. The current flood of boat people will soon dwindle to a harmless trickle. After all, what self-respecting, Sharia-abiding, homo-hating middle eastern father of fifteen is going to pay all that money in search of a better life only to wind up in the land of the Wedded Sodomites?
Inner city development and renewal will also benefit from this far-sighted decision, as married gay couples from the outer suburbs flock to build their future homes in Surry Hills and St Kilda. Expect an investment boom worthy of the 90’s as Paddo terraces lead the real estate recovery.
And let’s not forget – as a global recession looms - the spur this decision will give to such innovative industries as same sex wedding planning, gay honeymoon tourism, double-bridal fashions, groom’s dressmaking and so on, in which Australia can yet again lead the world.
Clearly, those myopic critics who dismissed this decision as an elitist, inner-city irrelevance missed the wider benefits entirely.